Calm Before the Storm

Calm Before the Storm is the eighteenth episode of the third season and the fifty-sixth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
The Reds puzzle over why the Blues were talking to the bomb, and Sarge concludes that they are trying to re-arm it as part of a pre-emptive attack strategy. O'Malley's robot army turns out to be extremely slow-moving: Lopez built them that way so they would win in exactly 24 hours, since O'Malley said he wanted a day of victory. Meanwhile, the Blues have finally managed to calm Andy down, but are interrupted by explosions and plasma fire as O'Malley's attack begins. Believing that the Blues are attacking, Sarge orders the Reds into battle.

Transcript
Fade in to Simmons talking to Sarge from the safe confines of the Warthog

Simmons: Okay, so let me get this straight... they were talking, to the bomb.

Grif: Dude, I don't know. They mentioned something about candles and a bubble bath, and they were playing some kind of a New Age CD. It's like a Yanni fan club meeting.

Sarge: That makes no sense at all. Did you wanna translate for us Pinky Pants?

Pinky Pan-Donut: My guess is that they're trying to get the bomb to do something for 'em.

Simmons: And all that sweet talk and candles will work on a bomb.

Donut: It would work on me!

Sarge: Doncha see what they're tryin' to do?

Grif: No. Isn't that the point of this conversation?

Sarge: The Blues are obviously trying to coax the bomb in to rearming. They're about to launch an attack. On us!

Grif: Why would they do that?

Sarge: Because they're Blues. Somebody get this kid the manual.

Simmons: Oh-ho, I hate the Blues.

Sarge: That's the spirit Simmons.

Cut to several Lopezes in formation

O'Malley: Hoohoohoohohahaha. And now the hour is at hand. It is time, my robot minions.

Doc: He means robot miniones. Where's your cultural sensitivity?

O'Malley: Oh shut up. At last, we will sieze our destiny!

Doc: Do we really have to sieze destiny? Can't we just invite it to join our online circle of friends?

O'Malley: Quiet you fool. And quit sending me those invites. They're repulsive. Prepare for battle! We will break upon their fortress like an evil wind!

Doc: Oh.

O'Malley: Crushing our opponents with lightning speed! Attack!

Robot Army: Charge.

The Robot Army starts walking slowly forward

O'Malley: You there, hurry along. And you in the back. Eu- Lopez, can't you speed them up?

Lopez: This is their maximum velocity.

O'Malley: This isn't what I asked for.

Lopez: You said you wanted a day of victory. At this speed, they will win in exactly 24 hours.

O'Malley: Heuh...

A Robot: Charge.

Cut to the Blues

Church: So we cool here?

Tucker: I think we're finally calmed down.

Caboose: Yes. We are all better now, we are not mad, and we are definitely not thinking about exploding at all any more.

Andy: Hey, are you talkin' about me?

Church: What? No, course not. We just wanna make sure that we're all happy, and that we're not upset in any way whatsoever.

Andy: Don't say "we", you really mean me. I mean, you, which in this case, is me.

Church: No no no, uh, we're uh, talking about Tex.

Tex: Excuse me?

Church: (whispering to Tex) Hey, you wanna die in an explosion? Play along. (To Andy) Yeah, um... I don't know if you've noticed but she's uh... she's kind of a bitch. Isn't that right Tex.

Tex: Church...

Andy: I don't know...

Tucker: Come on Tex.

Tex: Yes. We're talking about me.

Andy: Sounds like you're patronizing me.

Tex: No really, it's me, I'm a bitch.

Church: Heh heh, keep going.

Tex: And I need to be calmed down all the time.

Church: Or what happens?

Tex: Or, else I get so mad, I kill people on my own team.

Church: ...I see your point.

Caboose: Tell him about the moodiness. And the crankiness.

Tucker: Also mention that you like to punch people in the head while they sleep.

Caboose: That was you!? I thought the Tooth Fairy was mad at me.

Andy: Well, she sounds like a real handful.

Tex: Alright listen you little noob firecracker.

Church: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa! See what I mean Andy? Volatile.

Tex: I am so gonna remember this Church.

Caboose: You should sleep with your pillow on top. Of your head. Tonight.

Church: Yes, that's very funny, make all the threats you want. As long as everyone is calm, and peaceful, and there's nothing else to make us excited, I don't care.

Explosions happen outside the base behind him

O'Malley: (from outside) Attack, my robot minions.

Church: I could almost feel that coming, right as I finished the sentence.

A large explosion happens, and clears to reveal the Reds

Sarge: What the hell was that?

Simmons: It sounded like a huge explosion!

Sarge: Chantilly lace! That means the Blues have rearmed the bomb.

Grif: Wait, they rearmed it and it exploded. Isn't that good for us?

Sarge: Grif, don't interrupt me when I'm leading in a battle situation!

Grif: ...We're in battle?

Sarge: Course we are, now get ready for your orders. Donut!

Donut: Yes Sir.

Sarge: Scream like a woman!

Donut: Can do! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! (Runs wildly and continues screaming through the rest of the episode. See below)

Sarge: Grif!

Grif: What.

Sarge: Prepare to sacrifice yourself to save a nearby superior officer.

Grif: I don't think I've been trained on that.

Sarge: Simmons, kiss ass at will.

Simmons: You're both an excellent leader, and a handsome man Sir.

Sarge: Excellent work Simmons. Incoming.

Sarge and Grif duck, and a rocket shoots over their heads

Sarge: Grif, you're up.

Grif: Permission to assist Donut, Sir.

Sarge: Permission denied. Continue with Operation Meatshield. Remember, just 'cause your bones are broken doesn't mean they won't stop bullets from hitting me! Now get out there.

Simmons: Good call Sir!

Sarge: You're on your way to a medal, Simmons. In fact, medals all the way around. Purple Heart for Grif, Pink Heart for Donut, and a Brown Nose for Simmons.

*** Donut's womanly screams ***

Donut: Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're all gonna die! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh, wahaaaaaaaaah whooooooooo hoo hoooooooooooo, whoaa noooooo, whahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa, gonna die, we're gonna die, whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (inhale) Ahhhhhhhhhhh, we're all gonna die, can't someone help me, won't someone help me, whoaohhhhhhhhhhh, help me somebody... I'm too young to die, I'm too pretty to die... I haven't even seen Paris yet!