The Nesting Theory

 is the tenth episode of the fifth season and the eighty-seventh overall.

Synopsis
Back at Red Base, Grif and Simmons stand over Sarge's grave. Grif theorizes that Sarge has decomposed, evidently wanting to get as far away from the possibly bat-filled cave as soon as possible. Simmons shoots this idea down, pointing out that they are two men down, and any moment, the Blues will come over the hill shouting "Charge, charge!"

The scene cuts to Blue Base, where Church, having spotted Tex, is screaming, "Retreat, retreat!" As the Blues run before Tex's might, Sister, unaware that Tex is a woman, mentions that Tex is a bad ass, and that's "kinda hot." Tucker points out that Tex is female. Sister completely misses his point, revising her statement to, "Oh, sorry. She's a bad ass. That's kinda hot." The Blues take cover, ignoring Caboose's aimless ravings. Tucker suggests they should try and negotiate with Tex. Church delegates this responsibility to Sister, whose negotiations consist of swearing at Tex and telling her to stop. Bizarrely, she does. Church, thinking she has run out of ammo, pops his head up and instantly takes a sniper bullet to the head. Confirming that she still has ammo, he recovers his corpse.

Meanwhile, Grif and Simmons drop into the underground cavern and begin to search for Sarge and Donut.

Back up at Blue Base, Tex apprehends the Blue Team and reveals that O'Malley is no longer possessing Doc. The Blues discuss strategy, while Tex is oblivious; spotting Sister, she is outraged that the Blues have already gotten a replacement girl.

Transcript
Fade in to Grif and Simmons looking straight down

Grif: Yep, that's a hole alright.

Simmons: That's what I told you!

Grif: Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.

Simmons: Right. I think it fell through that hole in to the cavern.

Grif: Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury 'em. That's part of the circle of life you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats, that would just be interfering with God's divine plan.

Simmons: Okay, A, Sarge wasn't dead; B, decomposing takes months, not minutes; C, his armour would still be here; and D, shut up, you're going down there. Now.

Grif: Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck, we'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.

Simmons: Shut up and get in the hole Grif!

Grif: You suck Simmons. Hoho man, this new system's already workin' out great! We should have thought of this years ago.

Simmons: Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered. We already lost Donut and Sarge, now it's four on two. The Blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now. At any moment they're gonna come over that hill, guns blazing yelling "CHAAAARGE!"

Cut to the battleground that suddenly surrounds the Blues as Tex ruthlessly shoots at them

Church: RETREAT!!!

Tucker: Aaaaaaahhhh!

Caboose: Running, running, running, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

Sister: Who is that?

Tucker: That's Tex.

Sister: Whoah, he's a badass.

Caboose: (hit) Ow.

Sister: He's kinda hot.

The Blues take cover behind their base

Tucker: Tex isn't a guy, she's a girl.

Sister: Oh, sorry. She's a badass. She's kinda hot!

Tucker: She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.

Sister: Oh yeah? Why aren't you guys dating any more?

Church: Are you seriously asking that question right now?

Caboose: Last time I was shot, I got a Purple Heart? Yeah uh I hope this time, I get a Purple Lung. You see eventually I, I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.

Tucker: Maybe you should ask for a Purple Brain.

Caboose: You're just jealous, 'cause you have no friends.

Tucker: Why is she shooting at us?

Church: How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?

Tucker: Well, go out there and tell her to stop.

Church: Yeah, I'll get right on that.

Sister: Uh, aren't you like, the leader or something?

Church: Uh- yes Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you, our Field Negotiator.

Sister: Awesome!

Church: Yes, congratulations we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.

Sister: Cool.

Sister stands up in to the line of fire

Sister: Hey, Tex! Stop shooting you stupid bitch!

Tucker: Nice negotiating.

Church: She's not firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's outta ammo. Let me check.

Church stands up and is immediately shot in the head, leaving a standing ghost and ugly body behind

Church: Nope, she still has ammo.

Tucker: Nice recon work.

Church: I'm gonna go get my body back.

Tucker: Yeah, good idea.

Cut to the inside of the cavern, as Grif falls screaming to the ground and lands on the front of his face

Simmons: (landing gracefully behind him) Tada!

Grif: (standing up) Ugh, you didn't have to push.

Simmons: Yeah I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper... This guy!

Back to the Blues courageously behind their base

Church: Hey Tucker, is my body on straight?

Tucker: Dude I don't even know what that means.

Tex: Freeze! Nobody move.

Tucker: We're already not moving. You could have just said "everyone keep doing what you're not doing."

Tex: Shut up!

Tucker: Whatever.

Church: Tex, what is your problem?

Tex: My problem is that O'Malley isn't in Doc any more. He's jumped in to somebody new, and I'm not trustin' anybody, until I find out who.

Church: Yeah, we already know all that. We're on top of the situation.

Tex: You are? Then who did O'Malley jump in to?

Church: Oh. Yeah I meant, I meant we were on top of everything right up until that point.

Tex: Typical.

Sister: Who's O'Malley?

Tucker: Eah, it's just some computer program that wants to destroy the Universe. He infects people around here from time to time, but neh, it's no big deal.

Sister: Sounds scary.

Tucker: Naw, it's all good baby, I'll protect you.

Sister: Hyeah, that's what the last guy said, and now I can't stop scratchin'.

Tucker: Okay, never mind.

Church: None of us are infected Tex, but I am a little worried about the tank. She's been actin' really weird lately. Can an A.I. implant in a ... Tex?

Tex: Who's the girl?

Church: What? Who Sister? Oh she's just a new recruit.

Tex: You mean to tell me I'm only gone a few weeks, and you guys get yourselves a new girl?

Church: Oh. Um...

Tucker: Whoa. Tread lightly dude, tread lightly.

Caboose: You know, I wasn't actually scared, until right, just, now.

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