Fair Competition

Fair Competition is the fourth episode of the fourth season and the sixty-first of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
Simmons has completely fallen out of favor with Sarge, and in fact is now ordered by the judge — Donut wearing a judge's wig — to stand at least 200 yards (180 m) away from the rest of the Reds. As a result, Sarge begins to hold a competition to determine who will be his new right-hand man. Grif is automatically disqualified for being Grif, which puts the competition down to Donut, Lopez's old wrench, and a skull found nearby. Simmons laments the ruination of his life, and concedes to himself that maybe he did imagine seeing the tank. Sheila's voice is suddenly heard right behind him, begging to differ.

Meanwhile, back at Zanzibar, the Blues are startled to discover that Caboose has actually managed to tame the Alien, thanks to his kindness — or, more likely, that the alien found him unpalatable, and no longer wants to eat him or anything that looks like him. The Blues insult the alien while trying to understand its language, which seems to consist entirely of blarg and honk.

Transcript
Fade in to Sarge talking to people

Sarge: Alright men. Donut. Since Simmons has been demoted for reasons of dementia-

Simmons: The tank was real!

Sarge: And he's been ordered by the Judge to stay at least two hundred yards away from us-

Simmons: Oh come on, that wasn't a real Judge, that was Donut wearing a powdered wig!

Donut: Over- huhem, ahuhh, (in a deeper voice now) overruled. Shame on you. Hurr.

Sarge: We are now holding auditions for the permanent position of Second in Command, here at Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.

Simmons: WHAT!?

Sarge: And since Simmons is disqualified because of the afore mentioned cookooness, and since Grif is ineligible-

Grif: Or because I don't wanna compete?

Sarge: Because you're ineligible!

Grif: No, I just don't want to compete.

Sarge: Of course you don't, because you're ineligible!

Grif: (sigh) Whatever.

Donut: I guess that means I get the job, because I'm unopposed, which is the same way I got "Most Likely to be Fabulous" in high school.

Sarge: Actually Donut, I managed to find some other candidates for you to compete against.

Donut: Huh?

Sarge: We've located an old wrench used by Lopez, and this skull of unknown origin. Some dirt and a rock entered the preliminaries but they didn't make it to the semifinals. Lazy bastards.

Donut: Hyes. You guys are goin' down. In yo face wrench, in yo face! Take that, bonehead, ha ha ha, woo!

Sarge: You will be competing against each other in a series of gruelling events, in order to gain my attention. First up, the obstacle course, Grif! Get the alligators!

Grif: I thought I was ineligible.

Sarge: To earn my respect, dirtbag. You're still perfectly capable of grunt work.

Simmons: Oh man, I can't believe this. My life was going exactly as planned. I was second in command of a marginally successful unit, I had a superior officer who genuinely cared about me, I had the respect and admiration of all my peers. That was the dream! How did it all go so wrong? How! Hahahahow!? Maybe that stupid tank was just a figment of my imagination.

Sheila: I don't think so.

Simmons: Shut up, you ruined my life.

Cut to Caboose talking to ...nobody?

Caboose: I think I will call him Crunchbite.

Andy: Eh, that's a stupid name.

Caboose: Uh, well I think it's better than your suggestion. Crouchosaurus?

Church: Caboose, who're you talkin' to- HOLY SHIT!

Alien: Blargh!

Caboose: Stop! He is my friend.

Alien: Blargharg.

Caboose: He is not going to eat anybody.

Andy: Yeah, he thinks you guys stink too much to eat.

Alien: Blargh.

Tex: He thinks we stink?

Alien: Blargh blargh.

Tex: It smells like someone set a fish on fire in here.

Alien: Largh?

Church: Caboose, what the fuck man, are you sure about this thing?

Caboose: Absolutely, he has not tried to bite me, at all.

Alien: Hnnk!

Caboose: Since he bit me the first time.

Andy: Heheh yeah, that was hilarious.

Caboose: I think I might need a tetanus shot.

Alien: Blargh blargh, largh hnnk blargh.

Church: Whoa, that thing's breath smells like infected cheese on a hotplate. (cough)

Tucker starts coming down the ramp

Alien: Largh, blargh!

Andy: I don't think he liked that.

Tucker: Whoa, man, what is that stench?

Alien: Hargh.

Tucker: Is a skunk juggling dead hamsters in here?

Alien: Largh.

Tucker: It smells like old yogurt.

Alien: Largh, whargh, wharharhrgh.

Tucker: Did you eat and then throw up a can of trash?

Alien: Hnnk!

Caboose: That's exactly what he said right before he bit me.

Alien: Largher, hnnk! Hrarhrh.

Tex: You understand what he's saying?

Alien: Largh... (etc, just kinda keeps going in the background)

Church: Whey hey wait, I think I'm hearing a pattern here. I think that blarghs come after honks. Or, vice versa.

Caboose: I think, I think blargh means, me, or, apples. Guys, Apples must be the name of his cat! Quick, quick, is- is Apples stuck in a tree? I will call the fire department.

Church: Mister Huge Alien, do you understand what we are saying?

Alien: Wharrrgh!

Church: I have no idea if that means yes or no.

Caboose: Totally blows away your vica versa theory. Sorry.

Tucker: You two are retarded. You're not gonna be able to figure out alien language by experimentation, give it up.

Church: You don't know that!

Tucker: You don't even know how they talk. What if their language isn't entirely verbal? It could be part telepathic, or via smells. Whoh.

Church: Well if it's via smells then you should be fluent in the language already. Jackass.

Alien: Hnnk!

Church: Oh shut up, you're not helping.

Caboose: Wait! I think Tucker might be right. I think he might be saying things telepathically. I just heard something in my head!

Church: What? What was it?

Caboose: It was a voice, saying, "Blargh blargh blargh honk."

Church: That wasn't in your head Caboose, he just said that. You're just so dumb you're lagged a few seconds behind us. By the time your brain figures out what it's heard, it feels like it's already happened.

Caboose: ...

Alien: ...

Caboose: ... That's not true. Wait! I hear something else in my head! It must be Apples, trying to communicate with me! Quick, Tucker, get a ladder!

(Alien continues blarging)

Trivia

 * This and several subsequent episodes take place in the middle of the canyon because Red Base is covered in a huge shadow on Coagulation. Rooster Teeth eventually found a work-around. The area around and on top of Blue Base is well lit, however.