The Grif Reaper

The Grif Reaper is the fifth episode of the fifth season and the eighty-second The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
The episode opens back at Blue Base where Caboose, now recovered from his blood loss, attempts to spy on the new arrival with the sniper rifle, only to reveal his complete ineptitude at using a scope. Meanwhile, Doc tries to teach the baby alien to speak English, with mixed results. Tucker finally awakens from his coma and Church and Caboose fill him in on the situation.

Back at the ship, Sister claims to have been told that the team leader has died, and she was sent to fill the deficiency. Horrified, Sarge claims that Command must have made a mistake. Grif, however, reminds Sarge of his policy that Command never makes mistakes and consoles him on his death, entrapping Sarge with slightly reasonable, albeit strange, logic. Grudgingly, Sarge admits that he has died and allows the team to bury him.

Transcript
Fade in to a view through a sniper rifle that's moving jerkily and randomly

Church: See him there? Right there, the yellow one.

Caboose: The one next to Simmons. That's Grif.

Church: The other yellow one. Dumbass.

Caboose: Oh, that new yellow person, y-oh yes of course, yes. Uh, he looks very scary. Yes and uh, I know that because I am looking right at him, right now, yes. He is yellow. This is very interesting.

Church: *sigh* You don't even see him, do you.

Caboose: Yeah, I don't-- I don't even know how to use this thing.

Church: Oh man, this is no good. Yellow armour. What does yellow armour mean, is that like some kinda... special ops guy or... man, this can't be good for us.

Caboose: What if it's a new gun.

Church: What? Why am I even talking to you, it's a person! In yellow armour, we already established that!

Caboose: Oh, now wait maybe they got their own medic.

Church: A medic? Caboose. We're not that lucky.

Cut to Doc with a noticably larger baby alien

Doc: See, my suit is purple. Can you say purple? Pur?

Baby Alien: Honk?

Doc: Pull.

Baby Alien: Hnnnk.

Doc: Great! Once we learn all the colours, we'll learn why you shouldn't judge people by them.

Cut back to Church and Caboose

Church: Yeah, that guy is definitely some kind of special forces. Probably trained in, knives or... ball-kicking or somethin'.

Caboose: Maybe he's an alien.

Church: An alien that looks just like the rest of us?

Caboose: And that is the scariest kind of alien.

Church: Why are you, even here, it would be easier for me to just call random people on the phone, and talk to them about this. They would understand the situation better.

In the background, Tucker emerges up the ramp from inside the base and starts approaching

Tucker: Uh, whudldldluh. Bludludldldlah.

Church: Oh well, look who's awake.

Tucker: What the fuck happened?

Caboose: Oh, well, um, uh as you may remember, uh you were impregnated by an alien visitor who was on a noble mission to save his entire species from de-

Tucker: Can I get the short version of this?

Church: Yeah, you got knocked up, you got knocked out.

Tucker: Oh right, I need to start workin' out. Lose this baby weight.

Caboose: Yeah, you know, we, we should all start working out, you know, uh, especially some of us.

Tucker: Yeah, some of us seem to have let ourselves go more than others.

Church: Are you guys talkin' about me?

Caboose: We ah didn't wanna say anything.

Tucker: Yeah, that's why we said something. Fatty!

Church: Hey back off guys, I've been under a lot of stress. I've been carrying this whole fucking team.

Tucker: Where'd you carry us, to the buffet?

Caboose: He said it.

Tucker: What're you guys doing up here anyway? And what's that huge thing?

Caboose: That's Church.

Church: He means the ship, Caboose.

Caboose: He said it.

Church: The Reds called in a ship, and it landed on Donut. Now they've got new hardware, and a new soldier.

Tucker: Who, that girl?

Church: Wha- Girl? That's a girl?

Tucker: Duh. The yellow one, right? The one talking to Simmons?

Caboose: Wow, you have really good eyes!

Tucker: I have to. I never get to use the fucking sniper rifle.

Church: You're positive that's a girl. How can you be sure?

Tucker: Dude, look who you're talking to.

Cut to Grif's unnamed Sister (making me denote her with Grif's Sister all the time) in front of the ship

Grif's Sister: The cool thing, is that I was lucky enough to get sent here! They said your Commander died, and I needed to replace the missing man.

Sarge: What? Our Commander's not dead, I'm our Commander!

Simmons: And an excellent one at that, Sir.

Sarge: Thank you Simmons.

Grif's Sister: Yeah. Your Commander died. And one of the troops is going to be promoted, and I was sent to replace the missing troop!

Simmons: Wait, w-what's this about a promotion?

Sarge: Sounds like Command made some kinda mistake.

Grif: I don't know Sarge, I thought you said Command never makes mistakes. That must mean you're dead.

Simmons: Seriously, what was the promotion thing? I'm sure I heard something about someone getting promoted.

Grif's Sister: They said one of your troops would be promoted to replace your dead C.O.

Simmons: One like me? A maroon one?

Grif's Sister: Hey, you're really scary. That's kinda hot!

Grif: Sarge, I'm really sorry you died.

Sarge: Don't be stupid, Grif. How can I be dead if I'm standing right here?

Grif: Well if Command was wrong about you dying, Sarge, couldn't they be wrong about other stuff too? Like, like what if the Blues don't suck? *gasp* What if the Blues are awesome? This changes everything!

Cut to Sarge's gravesite, with everyone standing around the hole, including the deceased

Simmons: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, to pay our final respects to Sarge.

Sarge: But I was so young! And violent!

Grif: And that's what makes this so tragic.

Sarge: Mnohho.