In Memoriam

 is the sixth episode of the fifth season and the eighty-third overall.

Synopsis
At Red Base, the team speaks at Sarge's funeral. Grif tells various crude jokes, Simmons performs a campaign speech, announcing his desire to be Red Leader, and Sister speaks meanderingly about age and death. Sarge objects loudly to all three, claiming that "this is the worst funeral I've ever had!" At length, they finally bury him.

Transcript
Fade in to the Reds for Sarge's service

Simmons: And now, Grif has asked to say a few things about our beloved Sarge.

Grif: Hey everybody, it's great to be here. Well, what can I say about a guy like Sarge. I mean besides, "good riddence." Hoooo.

Grif's Sister: Yeah-

Grif: But seriously, Sarge lived a great life. And now that he's dead, our lives are pretty good too. Zing! Hahahahaa, you know what I'm talking about.

Sarge: Come on, is this a rememberance or a roast?

Grif: Quiet in the front row. And I'm not askin', and he's not tellin', but I heard when Donut first came to the base, Sarge spent a lot of time talkin' about glazed donut holes, if you know what I mean. Hiyoooo.

Simmons: Too soon!

Grif: Hey now.

Sarge: This is the worst funeral I've ever had! You losers better step up the crying, pronto!

Simmons: Oh, don't worry Sir, I've written a stirring speech that's sure to tug at everyone's heartstrings.

Sarge: Good to hear it, now get with the eulogizing!

Simmons runs up to the front

Simmons: On it Sir.

Grif: And who could forget the time Sarge showed us all how to field strip Simmons'-

Simmons: Okay that's enough, I said five minutes Grif.

Grif: Bye everybody, I'll be appearing at the Laugh Cavern every Tuesday. Ladies drink free.

Grif's Sister: Whoohoooo!

Grif: Not you!

Grif's Sister: Aw.

Simmons: Okay, whatever, get off. Hello everyone. I'm here to say a few words about our friend Sarge.

Grif: Boo, you suck.

Simmons: Grif, get off the stage!

Grif: Uh, sorry.

Grif retreats to the peanut gallery

Simmons: Okay, like I was saying, I'm here to say a few words about Sarge.

Grif: Boooo, you suck!

Simmons: As you all know, Sarge was a magnificent leader, and he was a great inspiration to all his troops.

Sarge: Hh, Simmons was right, this is so emotional. Where's my hankie?

Simmons: He was a man of honour, discipline, and character.

Sarge: It's like he's saying what we're all thinking.

Grif: If he was saying what I'm thinkin' he'd be yawning while he said it.

Simmons: But perhaps his greatest accomplishment, as a military man...

Sarge: Tell it!

Simmons: And a friend...

Sarge: Preach on, preach on.

Simmons: Was developing my considerable skills as a soldier and a leader.

Sarge: What?

Simmons: As you all know, Sarge's untimely demise leaves a gap in our command structure. A gap that is best filled by Sarge's right hand man. A man that has a vision for the Red Team.

Grif: Sarge is, is he campaigning for your job at your funeral? Classy.

Simmons: The Red Army is faced with a difficult choice. The choice of who will lead us to glorious victory. Let's hope they choose a great candidate. A candidate whose armour is actually a shade of red. Sarge would have wanted it that way. Choose Simmons. It's the only thing Sarge did in life, so don't let his whole existence be in vain. In closing, somebody died, vote for me.

Grif: Ahawesome speech!

Grif's Sister: Is this the kind of thing you guys do all day?

Grif: Pretty much. Just run with it. It's the only thing that keeps you from going insane from boredom.

Grif's Sister: Yeah... or we could raid the medical supplies for morphine.

Grif: Hyeah. Wait what?

Simmons: Hey sister, you're up.

Grif's Sister: Awesome!

Grif's Sister swaps places with Simmons

Grif: Ooh ooh ooh, can I go again? I just thought of a swear word that rhymes with Kentucky.

Sarge: You couldn't even wait for me to be buried, could ya.

Simmons: Your death was in the past, Sarge, and we need to look to the future. A future filled with Simmons.

Grif's Sister: Hey everybody. Um, I'm new here, and I didn't know Sargeant very well, but he was very old, and that's gross.

Grif: Eh-heheh, I wrote that line.

Simmons: Grif, let other people have the spotlight for once.

Grif's Sister: Anyway, when you're old and gross, you're probably going to die, and that's kind of sad. But when you think about it, all your friends are probably dead too. And if they're not then they're definitely old, and knowing old people is even sadder than being dead. So, anyway, whatever. Peace out.

Sarge: This is a miserable excuse for a ceremony. Where's the flag folding? Where's the twenty-one gun salute?

Simmons: Sir, the flag is an important part of our inventory. We can't just go around having impromptu foldings because we feel like it.

Grif: And I was in charge of the twenty-one gun salute. Unfortunately we don't have twenty-one guns, so you'll have to settle for what I call the double-bun salute. It starts in just a few moments.

Sarge: Uhgh, I'll just get in my grave now.

Simmons: Yeah, maybe that's for the best Sir.

Sarge: Oh, come on, who dug this grave? It's not nearly regulation.

Grif: Uhg, Simmons let's cover his head first.

Sarge: Come on, you call that buryin'? I've had Girl Scouts bury me better. Put yer backs in to it.

Simmons: This might be a bad time to ask, but... have you finished that letter of recommendation I asked for?

Sarge: Step to it men, bury faster! I'm not getting any deader. Come on, double time you maggots! Oh hey look, maggots. Maybe these guys know what they're doing.

Grif: He's the chattiest corpse I've ever seen.

Sarge: Work that shovel like a hoe. Work that hoe like a shovel.

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