Two for One

Two for One is the nineteenth episode of the fourth season and the seventy-sixth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
While Doc examines Tucker inside Blue Base, the Reds digress into a discussion on the relative appropriateness of hand to hand combat, sniping, and nuclear warfare. Eventually, Sarge, with Lopez's head in tow, heads out to steal Andy from the Blues.

Doc returns outside to give Church and Caboose his diagnosis of Tucker. After prolonging his explanation of Tucker's condition for dramatic effect, he discloses that he believes Tucker is pregnant, based on the presence of two different heartbeats. Incredulous, Church goes with Doc to confirm the diagnosis, leaving Caboose alone with Andy.

When Caboose has his back turned, Sarge surreptitiously swaps Lopez's head for Andy, leaving Caboose under the impression that Andy had become a "real boy". Shortly realizing that Andy is useless without Lopez, Sarge returns, distracts Caboose, and swaps Lopez's head for a skull. Upon seeing the skull, Caboose believes that Andy has died and, in hysteria, delivers an extended soliloquy lamenting the loss of Andy.

Transcript
Fade in to Doc walking up to Andy, Church and Caboose far from Blue Base

Tucker: (off in the distance) Oh God... I think it's coming back up. BLAHGH!

Doc: Okay everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

O'Malley: That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket," huhuhuhuheuw.

Church: Uh, sorry I'm busy.

Doc: Caboose?

Caboose: I can't.

Doc: Well why not?

Caboose: Oh, because uh, I am allergic to things that I don't want to do. (cough cough cough), coughing.

Doc: Ohokay, just more fun for me.

Cut to Sarge watching Doc depart to the base through the sniper rifle

Sarge: Well, you won't believe this, it looks like the Blues have teamed up with O'Malley. Those dirty backstabbers!

Grif: Our enemies teamed up with our enemy. How is that a backstab?

Sarge: Exactly! No good two-timers! Alright men, let's get in there and acquire that exploding translater thing so we can figure out what Lopez is saying.

Lopez: You're just going to be disappointed.

Sarge: I agree Lopez, time is of the essence.

Lopez: Why do you bother replying if you don't know what I'm saying?

Sarge: Heh heh heh, good one amigo.

Lopez: Oh God, someone please kill me.

Sarge: I see the bomb. He's right next to Caboose.

Grif: Which one is Caboose again? I get confused. Is he the stupid mean one (camera pans to Sarge), the stupid annoying one (camera pans to Simmons), or the stupid stupid one (camera pans to Donut)?

Simmons: Stupid stupid.

Grif: Oh yeah, right. What an idiot.

Simmons: Yeah totally.

Donut: Sarge, I hate to point out the obvious, but since we can see them with the sniper rifle, why dont' we just shoot 'em?

Sarge: Shame on you, Donut! A sniper rifle is a coward's weapon. When you kill yer enemy, you wanna look in his eyes so he knows you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you the chance to deliver some really zippy one-liners. Like "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"

Grif: (sigh), oh my God.

Sarge: Or my personal favorite, "You've just got Sarged." Hhheh heh heh, classic.

Lopez: I mean it, I want to die.

Sarge: Hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes, it hearkens back to the honored traditions when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says: we're all equals as men. Except I'm slightly more equal 'cause I'm still alive and you're dead. Of course dropping a nuke on them from fifty thousand feet is also totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there's just not enough time in this busy world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling.

Grif: See? That right there is why society is going downhill. Everyone's in such a hurry these days-

Simmons: Yeah yeah yeah, we get the point, wasting time, okay what was the plan Sarge?

Sarge: You fellas stay here. I'm gonna head up there with Lopez and get that device. Get it Lopez, head up there. Score two for Sarge, ding ding.

Lopez: Dios mío.

Cut back to Doc, Andy, Church and Caboose

Doc: Hey guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

Church: What is it Doc.

Doc: You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

O'Malley: Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

Church: Just tell us Doc, we can take it.

Doc: Your friend is-

Caboose: Dying? Oh no!

Doc: No, he's not dying, he just has-

Caboose: No chance to live. I knew it!

Church: Caboose? One more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

Doc: How do I say this, your friend is ... ...

Church: Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

Doc: No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

Caboose: Oh good. ...Wait what?

O'Malley: Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

Church: Alright, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund anyway.

Doc: No it's true, we found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts, the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. ...I think.

Church: How is that a logical explanation? Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

Andy: Haha, don't look at me, Tucker's not my type.

Caboose: Pshah, me neither. And, uh maybe we should um have the doctor explain, uh just how, babies are made, yknow uh in case someone, in the group, uuh may not exactly know how, that, happens.

Church: Oh my God Caboose, shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

O'Malley: No: you said we had to tell you what was wrong; you didn't say we had to be right, or that we had to fix him, you fool, hahahahaa, read the fine print, classic blunder. Hmhm.

Doc: First of all, I am right. And we are going to help him.

Church and O'Malley: What?

Doc: Look no-one's ever seen anything like this before. I don't know anything about what caused this, or how to help him, but with heart, and true determination, we can get him through this!

Church: Yeah we don't want heart and determination Doc. What we want is a degree. From an accredited medical institution.

Andy: Yeah. Or four years equivalent work experience!

Doc: (sigh). Come see for yourself.

Church: Fine.

Caboose: Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaard this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how all this started.

Church: Alright, what's wrong. You seem nervous.

Caboose: What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy.

Church: Hey, no-one is pregnant. And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this... we gotta have a little talk man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

Caboose: ...I'd like that.

O'Malley: Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, hmhm. Let me get you started: there's three holes. Hahahahahahaaaaa.

Doc: Oh gross.

O'Malley: I meant in the bowling ball.

''Church and Doc head off to the base, leaving Caboose and Andy alone in the Gulch. Sarge is sneaking up on them, making silly sneaking-up noises''

Andy: Hey Caboose. Level with me pal. I don't, really look like a bowling ball, do I?

Caboose: No Andy, you're not nearly that fat.

Andy: 'Cause I've been working out ya know. Dumbbells, pushups, crunches-

Sarge: Yoink!

Andy: Whaaa?

Caboose: Andy? Andy? What happened to you?

Lopez: Quick, before they come back. Dig a hole and bury me. Please.

Caboose: Andy. You turned in to a real boy!

Cut to Sarge back with the Reds

Sarge: See boys, now that's how you run a successful op. In and out like well lubricated lightning.

Simmons: Where's Lopez?

Sarge: Heh heh, I pulled the old switcharoo. Lopez was the same size and shape as this feller, so I just swapped him out. Just like Indiana Jones woulda done. Heh, they'll never even know he was missing. Thank God he's a little lighter than the last time we saw him.

Andy: Finally, somebody noticed. D'you know how hard it is to maintain this figure?

Grif: You swapped Lopez, for the bomb. Permission to speak insultingly, Sir?

Sarge: Permission denied. Yer just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first. Heh heh heh. Now let's translate. Where's Lopez? ... Ah, hell, I'll be right back.

Cut back to Caboose talking with Andy Lopez

Caboose: Now you see Andy now we can go fishing, and you don't have to be the bait any more, and we can hiking, and we can go camping and you don't have to be the fire any more, and we can riding together, and now we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together.

Sarge: (from a distance) Hey Caboose! You hear something behind you!

Caboose: I do? I wonder what's causing it.

Caboose turns around, Sarge runs in and takes Lopez's head

Sarge: Double yoink!

Caboose: Andy? Oh, my GOD! ANDY!

Cut to reveal that Sarge swapped Lopez's head out for a skull

Caboose: You're dead! How did this happen? You were so young! It's all my fault! I should have seen the warning signs! I didn't even know you were smoking! It worked so fast! You had so much to live for. So much exploding to do. Oh God! Who will blow stuff up now!? I don't want to live in a world without exploding! You hear that God, are you proud of yourself? Now that you've created a world without large explosions. Why couldn't you just take Tucker instead? He can't explode. At least I don't think he can. But even if he could it wouldn't be the same. Andy's exploding was special. My God. Why? Oh Andy.