Indigestion 2004

Indigestion 2004 was a Red vs Blue PSA created for Thanksgiving 2004.

Synopsis
For Thanksgiving, Sarge announces his plan to outdo the turducken with his own improbably complex creation, while Grif and Church try to point out the difference between Red vs. Blue and Red and Blue states to confused viewers as the 2004 general election loomed.

Transcript
(title sequence)

(fade to Grif and Church standing in front of the Warthog in Blood Gulch. Both characters are facing the camera.)

Church: Hey everybody, lately there's been a number of people coming to our website, Red vs Blue, looking for information about Red States versus Blue States.

Grif: Yeah, they all wanna complain about each other and they're looking for a new place to do it.

(cut back to Church, who has a map showing the Red and Blue States)

Church: Yeah, we don't really keep up with current events, but apparently, from what we've been able to figure out, the Red States did something that caused a disaster in the Blue States, and now all the people are being forced to evacuate to Canada and France. And for some reason the evacuation is being led by a fat guy from Michigan. (Michael Moore appears in place of the map. A speech bubble with a Communist flag appears next to him.) We don't really understand a lot of it.

Grif: Yeah, and the people in the Red States because the people in the Blue States are mean to them, and want them to pay money for roads and schools, instead of cool things like NASCAR and shotguns. Also, there's something about ketchup in there...like we said, a lot of this stuff doesn't make sense.

Church: Yeah, but our website isn't really about large groups of people that hate themselves. It's more about small groups that are able to hate on a much more personal level.

Grif: Like I hate Church because he's blue.

Church: And I hate Grif because he's not blue. In fact, he's not even really red...more like an orangey, kinda peach...sorta like someone threw up and decided to call it a colour.

Grif: The blue idiot's right. This time of year we should all come together and hate as a group, like our ancestors did.

Church: And what better to hate than turkeys. And what better way to hate 'em, than to eat 'em by the million!

(cut to Sarge and Simmons)

Sarge: Exactly.

Grif: Hey Sarge, how's the big dinner coming?

Sarge: Well, there's seven of us, so I thought one turkey wouldn't cut it.

Church: Yeah, I can see how only three pounds of meat would leave us unsatisfied.

Sarge: Are you familiar with the turducken?

Grif: Yeah, that's what I do when I visit the monkey house at the zoo and make a mat.

Simmons: Not turk ducking, a turducken. It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.

Church: You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.

Grif: Sounds awesome! Is that what we're having?

Sarge: No. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.

Church: Yeah, they seem like real under-achievers there.

Sarge: So I decided to make my own variety.

Church: What's that? A polecat stuffed in a possum?

Sarge: No. First we start with a hummingbird.

(for each animal Sarge mentions, an image of it appears next to him)

Grif: A what?

Sarge: Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. (the "chicken" is a man in a chicken suit) Put all that in a duck, then in a turkey, (a child's drawing of a turkey) then in a bigger turkey... (Michael Moore)

Grif: Two turkeys?

Sarge: Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, (the NBC logo) then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, then stuff it in a Boeing 747.

(pause)

Church: Cool! I get a wing!

Simmons: I call the turbine!

(fade to black)

Sarge: Alright! Hunker up, boys! Hey, Grif! What kind of meat do you like? First class, or coach?

Church: You know, if we cook this thing in 350 degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for eleven years.

Sarge: That's why we're going to deep-fry. (an oil tanker's horn can be heard) There's the oil now!

(pause)

Simmons: What was that leopard for?

Sarge: Presentation.