Right to Remain Silenced

Right to Remain Silenced is the seventeenth episode of the fourth season and the seventy-fourth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
Simmons manages to enter Red Base by correctly guessing the weak password established by Grif and Donut. Simmons wants to report the Blues' plans, but Sarge still considers him a traitor and insists on holding a trial with himself as both judge and prosecutor. This trial is quickly aborted, however, when Grif argues that Donut will want to act as a bailiff in hotpants. As a result, Simmons' sentence is summarily commuted to the payment of a hefty fine, to be split between Sarge and Grif.

Meanwhile, O'Malley, Doc and Lopez return to the gulch. As O'Malley approaches Blue Base, he is greeted with a "warning shot" from Church, who reveals to Caboose that he was actually trying to hit O'Malley. O'Malley accuses the Blues of attempting an ambush, but Church explains that he just wants to establish a few ground rules at the outset: O'Malley is supposed to enter the base, give a diagnosis for Tucker, and then leave. In exchange, O'Malley demands something "mysterious", "frightening", and "pure evil", as well as a 20-dollar upfront co-payment. Church agrees and asks Caboose for 30 dollars.

Transcript
Fade in to Red Base

Simmons: Sarge, finally, I need to tell you what the Blues are planning.

Sarge: I thought I told you idiots not to let this traitorous scumbag in the base!

Simmons: Good to see you too Sir.

Grif: We didn't let him in the base.

Sarge: He's standing right here.

Grif: Well obviously he penetrated the defensive protocol that me and Private Donut established.

Simmons: Defense protocol? You asked me what the password was.

Grif: And you knew it.

Simmons: I guessed it. By the way, the password was 'password.'

Grif: It's so obvious, it's impossible to guess!

Sarge: Diabolical.

Simmons: A password should contain at least one number, and one letter. For example, your password would be 2dumb2live.

Sarge: Excellent burn.

Simmons: Thank you Sir.

Sarge: Traitor.

Simmons: Dammit.

Sarge: Grif's stupidity aside, I'm not speaking with you until we punish your insubordination and treason.

Simmons: How about I just trade you the information that I learned from the Blues?

Sarge: No! We have to have a trial. Right here, right now.

Simmons: What? We don't even have a judge.

Sarge: Inaffirmative. In my civilian life, I worked as a judge for many years.

Grif: What level? Municipal? Federal?

Sarge: Livestock. And occasionally agriculture. Now let's find out if Simmons is guilty of treason or best in breed.

Simmons: I don't recognize the authority of this court.

Sarge: No-one cares what a convicted criminal thinks.

Simmons: But aren't I innocent until you prove me guilty?

Sarge: Nonsense! Why would we waste time having trials for innocent people? That would be a waste of resources.

Simmons: But I'm not guilty until you hold trial and convict me.

Sarge: So you admit it's a foregone conclusion!

Simmons: No- wait, I mean no- yes-no, that was right, I think.

Grif: Okay, this is officially more boring than any of the other times I've been to court. Permission to sigh and walk away Sir?

Sarge: Permission denied. If you leave, Simmons won't have anybody to defend him!

Simmons: Whowowowhoa wait a second, I prefer to defend myself.

Sarge: I knew you'd say that, and as the old saying goes, a person who chooses to defend himself, has a fool for a lawyer. And that fool is Grif.

Grif: Who's the prosecution?

Sarge: Why I am of course.

Simmons: You're the judge and the prosecutor? That's a conflict of interest.

Sarge: I object to that as speculative. And I also sustain my own objection.

Grif: Uh, we'd like to enter a plea.

Simmons: What?

Grif: Look it's only a matter of time before Donut finds out we're having this trial.

Sarge: I'm listening.

Grif: Well, if you're the judge and the DA, and I'm the defense, you know Donut's gonna wanna be the bailiff, and that means he's gonna wanna wear the cop uniform with the short shorts.

Simmons: Uhh, Officer Hot-pants.

Grif: Exactly. And I think we can all remember that dance routine from Sarge's birthday party.

Cut to Grif and Simmons from the past looking at an enormous cake

Simmons: Oh my God, that cake is huge! It's big enough to fit a person in it.

Grif: Why does the cake smell like baby oil? Oh God, where's Donut?!

Cut back to Law & Order

Sarge: Hrh, okay. We'll commute Simmons' sentence in favour of time served.

Grif: With time off for good behaviour.

Sarge: No-one wants a messy trial.

Grif: I also think he should pay a hefty fine, which we can split.

Sarge: Agreed.

Simmons: But I didn't do anything.

Grif: You just keep your mouth shut. And don't talk to the Press.

Donut: Hey, what's goin' on in there?

Sarge and Grif and Simmons: Nothing!

Cut and pan down to O'Malley doing his thing

O'Malley: Huhahahahahaah, now be careful. Don't give away our position with maniacal laughing. We don't know what to expect from these fools. This could all be an elaborate trap! And we don't want to be caught off-guard.

Doc: You mean get caught in a trap before we have a chance to spring our trap.

O'Malley: Precisely you fool, now shut up. At least we have a lookout. Lopez! What do you see up there?

Lopez: Nothing much. Just like always. Man, this place sucks.

O'Malley: I haven't been here in some time, which one is the Blue Base?

Doc: It's the blue one.

O'Malley: Hou yes. They're really thinking outside the box with the design. Hmm, it's quiet, too quiet.

A sniper shot rings by O'Malley's head

O'Malley: Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

Church: Alright hold it right there!

Lopez: I see someone now. I think he has a gun.

O'Malley: Yes I see that, thank you for keeping us informed, you moron.

Church: Yeah that was just a warning shot O'Malley. You make any funny moves, the next one's gonna go right in the middle of your visor.

Caboose: You think you can make that shot from here?

Church: Uh, probably not, I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God I think somebody fucks with the sights on this thing when I'm not lookin'.

O'Malley: I knew it! This was just some elaborate scheme to lure us in to an ambush!

Church: First of all, I don't know if calling you on the phone and inviting you over? I don't know if that qualifies as an elaborate scheme. And secondly, we're not ambushing you. We just wanna lay down some ground rules for your visit.

O'Malley: I'm not very big on rules, you know.

Doc: It's true! We had this system back at the evil lair where we each clean on different days, but I always end up doing it!

O'Malley: Oh shut up!

Doc: And he always leaves the milk out!

O'Malley: You fool! Be quiet.

Doc: And don't even get me started on the phone bill.

Church: Hey Doc, I see you're still swimmin' around in that head somewhere too.

Doc: Well it's not the ideal situation, but any relationship requires work if you-

O'Malley: You fool! This isn't a relationship, I'm just using your body to fulfill my evil plans. When we're done, I'm going to throw your rotting carcus in to a swamp, and let the beasts feed on your entrails, huhuhuhuhahahahaa.

Doc: I love you too buddy.

O'Malley: Oh shut up.

Church: Well don't get any bright ideas about jumping in to anyone else today, O'Malley. We've all got our radios off, and we've all got our minds cleared. We're not thinking about anything. For some of us that was easier than others.

Caboose: I just finished thinking about something, and didn't start thinking about anything else.

Church: So here's how this is gonna work: You're gonna come in, you're gonna take a look at Tucker, you're gonna tell us what's wrong, and then you're gonna leave.

O'Malley: Hmm, and what do we get?

Church: Whaddaya want. And I should warn you, Tex is not here. So if you have any cute ideas for her, don't bother.

Doc: Well a standard physical usually requires a twenty dollar co-pay. Hey, ask him what kind of health insurance plan they have.

O'Malley: You fool, let me negotiate. We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is, until we need it! Huhuhuhuahahahaha.

Church: No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is!

O'Malley: Huhuhuhuhuhuhoh yes you will. You will or your little friend Tucker will die, die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now, you'll drive yourself mad wondering, if there was anything you could have done to save him, so you will agree to what I want. You will agree even though what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening. What I want is something pure evil, aaahahahahahahahahaaa! I'm also being told that a twenty dollar co-pay is pretty much standard.

Church: Alright, fine.

O'Malley: Hah, huhaha you fool, and we want the twenty dollars up front!

Church: Fine!

O'Malley: And in cash...

Church: Oh whatever!

O'Malley: Ah you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles! Or at least a thirty day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools!

Church: Caboose, give me twenty dollars. Wait, give me thirty dollars.