Defusing the Situation

Defusing the Situation is the seventeenth episode of the third season and the fifty-fifth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
Andy starts talking to the rest of the Blue Team, and is quickly revealed to be rude and volatile. Caboose and the Blues try to calm him down so he won't explode. Meanwhile, the Reds are planning on escaping in the Warthog to find the source of the distress signal. Grif is sent to find out what the Blues are doing, only to be confused when he finds them trying to soothe Andy. Unbeknownst to all, O'Malley and Lopez have assembled a huge army of robot Lopez duplicates outside the base, which he orders to kill everyone and retrieve the "device".

(When the camera zooms to Lopez's army, you can see him quickly jump over the windmill blades.)

Transcript
Fade in to the Blues

Tucker: You're trying to tell us that this bomb can talk.

Caboose: I'm not telling you that, he's telling you that.

Andy: Yeah, and I'm standing right here. You can talk to me.

Tucker: If you could talk this whole time, then why didn't you just... wait, why'm I talking to a bomb? I'm not doing this.

Andy: What, am I not good enough to talk to? Who do you think you are, some kind of "too good to talk to a bomb" type?

Church: Maybe it's a good idea not to piss off the explosive device.

Tex: I agree.

Church: I wasn't talking about you Tex.

Tex: Hey, why don't you suck my -

Tucker: Did Gary say anything about the bomb being able to talk?

Church: Uh, just that this whole place is going to be destroyed by us, and that Andy here is probably the thing that does it.

Tucker: Oh. That's not good.

Andy: I don't think so. Bunch of shisnos if ya ask me. And noone did ask me which I find insulting!

Church: Alright, alright calm down Andy, calm down.

Andy: Don't tell me to calm down, I am calm!

Church: Caboose, calm this thing down before it has a meltdown.

Andy: (under Church) Look at me! I'm calm!

Caboose: Andy, everyone here is your friend. And noone wants to hurt you.

Andy: Yeah right.

Caboose: Come on Andy, think of a happy place. Now what makes you happy?

Andy: Being in the middle of a huge explosion!

Church: Less happy place Caboose, less happy place.

Caboose: Ah u... think calming thoughts, uh... let's count backwards from ten! Ten, nine, eight-

Tex and Tucker: NO!

Church: (at the same time) Duck!

Cut to the Reds, Simmons in the Warthog and Grif next to it

Simmons: Okay. I'm ninety-five percent certain that the distress signal is coming from that way.

Sarge: Excellent work Simmons. Alright men... and Grif. Let's get ready to roll.

Grif: Only ninety-five percent certain?

Simmons: Grif, if there's one thing that I've learned in working with you?, it's that there's always margin for error.

Sarge: Excellent comeback Simmons. That's a burn.

Simmons: Thank you Sir.

Grif: Har har. Look who's so smart. It's pronounced margarine dumbass.

Simmons: Seriously, if I ever meet the guy that assigned you to our squad, I'm gonna kill him.

Grif: Well if you're ninety-five percent certain it's that way, which way's the other five percent?

Simmons: Whaddaya think, all the other directions.

Grif: Then I think that's the way we should go.

Simmons: You might be, the dumbest person I have ever met.

Grif: And I think you're just covering your ass.

Donut: (running up) Hey Sarge!

Simmons: What? I'm not covering my ass, you're the one trying to cover yours!

Grif: No way.

Sarge: Stop arguing you two. Simmons isn't covering his ass, and Grif certainly isn't coverin' his. Noone's ass is being covered. Got it? Donut, whadda you want?

Donut: Uh... is that a trick question?

Sarge: Donut...

Donut: Well, I was up on the windmill again, and I think I found a route we can take outta here.

Sarge: Great! Simmons, load up. Donut, you back up Simmons.

Donut: Yes Sir, okey dokey.

Sarge: Grif, you get in the base and distract the Blues while we get ready to leave.

Simmons: You're sending Grif?

Grif: Mokay, be right back.

Simmons: Grif!? Don't you remember the last time you sent him to distract Command during our surprise inspection? He told them we were all in the base doing last minute cleaning, because we all had Cholera, and we were in quarantine for a month. My ass still hurts from all the shots we got.

Donut: Yeah, you could say that again, mine hurts too!

Simmons: You weren't even there, Donut.

Donut: Oh. I thought we were just sharing stuff.

Grif: (from near the base) Wait a second, you guys better not just be sending me so you can run off once I'm inside!

Sarge: Of course not moron, now hurry up!

Grif enters the base

Sarge: Okay, everybody in the jeep.

Cut to Grif entering the base, evesdropping on the Blues

Caboose: You are in a cool river, where noone disturbs you, or calls you names. Like "Bomby." Or, "The Exploding Jerk." There are sheep nearby, the kind that don't blow up, you are happy. But not overly happy... Regular happy.

Tex: Breathe in through your nose (takes a breath, and exhales through her mouth) and out through the mouth. Again, in through the nose (takes a breath), and out through the mouth.

Church: Uh, maybe I'll get some candles, would you like some candles, or some incense? How 'bout that?

Gary: hey andy, knock knock.

Andy: Who's there.

Gary: inner peace and serenity.

Andy: I already heard that one.

Grif backs cautiously out of the base of crazy people, and returns to the Reds

Sarge: And when we get there, we'll radio Command and say we need a replacement, because we have absolutely no idea what happend to- oh Grif!

Simmons: What're you doing back so soon? That was the shortest distraction of all time.

Sarge: What's wrong? What were the Blues doing?

Grif: You know? I can honestly say I have no idea what I just saw. Can I quit the army now? Seriously, I think I've seen everything I need to see at this point.

Sarge: If only I could make that happen dirtbag.

Grif: I mean it, just tell me where to turn in my gun, I'm done.

Camera zips around the terrain, through some nooks and one cranny, to the Lopez head and a robot army

Lopez: Come my robot army. Today is the day of our glorious victory.

O'Malley: Huhuhuhahaha. Careful you fools, I need the device in tact, muhahahahahahahaha. Now kill all those fools! And those fools over there. And, those fools. Leave no fool left unkilled. This army has a no fool discrimination clause, muahaha.

Doc: I like that we have a no fool discrimination clause. It makes us progressive!

O'Malley: Shut up you fool.