Sibling Arrivalries

Sibling Arrivalries is the fourth episode of the fifth season and the eighty-first of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
The voice mail finally finishes but then informs Church that the voice mail is full. Caboose attempts to join him and Doc, but again falls unconscious, leaving Doc and Church to speculate about what the Reds' ship could possibly have brought with it, Church even suggesting a soldier trained in ball-kicking.

Meanwhile, the Reds are stunned to find it was Grif's sister making the tapping sounds, who joined the war because she felt lonely without her brother. After some heated discussion, Grif starts to wonder where Donut is, if he wasn't the one tapping. It is then revealed revealed that Donut fell into a subterranean cave.

Transcript
Fade in to the ship from above, with a looong pause...

Vic's Voice Mail: To hear these options in Spanish, press dos.

Church: I hate you!

Vic's Voice Mail: *beep*

Church: Vic, it's Church, I need y-

Vic's Voice Mail: I'm sorry, but this person's voice mailbox is full.

Church: Uhchmmm I'm gonna kill myself. I'm gonna kill myself.

Doc: Uh, what was all that about?

Church: Doc, we are royally screwed. Half our team is down, and I think th-

Doc: No it's not, look! Caboose is already back in action.

Cut to Caboose emerging from Blue Base in the distance

Caboose: I'm okay! I'm okay!

Caboose collapses again, but this time in the warmth of the sun

Caboose: I'm not okay!

Doc: He's fine.

Church: Like I was saying, half the team is down, and the half that's left, sucks. So all the Reds need to do is attack us, and we're dead.

Baby Alien: Hnnk!

Church: Oh right, and I have to kill this fucking thing.

Caboose: Also I see a big ship. Now I know I'm hallucinating!

Church: Oh I forgot that part! The Reds also have an enormous ship that was sent by their Command. Probably has a huge fucking weapon on it. Like a nuke, or a biological weapon that's gonna melt our skin, or a genetic weapon that's gonna make everyone in blue armour sterile... awesome.

Doc: Hmm. Maybe this isn't the best time to remind you that technically I'm neutral in this conflict.

Church: Doc, I don't think the situation could get much worse. I mean the ship is bad enough, but God knows what kind of reinforcements they have in that thing. Could be a whole new squad! Or a freelancer! Or-

Cut to the Reds mid-sentence, standing in front of a new person in yellow armour

Simmons: Grif's sister?

Grif's Sister: Yeah. Isn't that cool?

Sarge: You know I always knew there was a genetic possibility that Grif would have blood relatives. But I always held on to the hope that he was the horrible by-product of an experiment on a turd manufacturing plant!

Grif: Go home.

Grif's Sister: What?

Grif: Go home, right now. Get in your ship, uncrash it, and fly it home.

Grif's Sister: Whatever. Make me.

Grif: As much as I don't wanna spoil my reputation as a do-nothing slacker, I will not hesitate to beat you senseless and drop you in that ship myself.

Grif's Sister: I thought you would be happy to see me.

Grif: How did you even get here, we're in the future!

Simmons: Hmm, I think I know how. Did you use your hyperdrive to get here, or just the light drive?

Grif's Sister: Which one is the hippie drive? Is that the one with all the knobs or is it the other one with all the knobs?

Simmons: Yeah, she probably came here just using the light drive. And as Einstein theorized, in his theory of relativity-

Grif: English.

Simmons: When you travel near the speed of light, time slows down for you. Essentially she came forward in time by travelling at light speed.

Grif: That's stupid.

Simmons: No, that's science. Didn't you ever read the famous science fiction story where the astronaut watches his baby son being born, but then he gets in a ship-

Grif: No.

Simmons: Well, did you ever read the one where-

Grif: No.

Simmons: How 'bout-

Grif: I didn't read any of them!

Grif's Sister: Hey. Who's the nerd?

Simmons: Excuse me, I'm not a nerd. My Mom says there's nothing shameful about being smart.

Sarge: Alright Missy, there's just one thing I don't get. How'd you join the Army?

Grif's Sister: What do you mean? I just signed up.

Sarge: But you're a... you know you you got lady parts.

Grif's Sister: So?

Sarge: So unless this is the cooking and sewing Army-

Grif's Sister: No, I went to join the real Army.

Sarge: Does your gun shoot brownies?

Grif's Sister: What?

Simmons: You'll have to excuse Sarge, he comes from the old school.

Grif's Sister: Thanks. By the way, nobody says "old school" any more. Actually, they told me I was too young. So I grabbed an extra suit of armour, and boosted a shuttle.

Grif: Glad you learned something from me.

Grif's Sister: Nohoho, I'm just kidding. I always wanted to do something like that.

Grif: But why did you join the Army? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Grif's Sister: Well, you always looked after me when Mom ran away to join the circus.

Simmons: W-wait a second, hold on. Your Mom is in the circus? Hyou know, at first I didn't like you, but you've already made my insults forty-five percent more efficient by just saying one sentence.

Sarge: Was your Mom a flaming sword swallower? We could use somebody to replace Donut.

Grif's Sister: Nope. You know how circuses have a bearded lady, and a fat lady? Well, my Mom plays both, 'cause she's like, super-talented.

Simmons: Oh my God. Is it okay if I record everything you say?

Grif's Sister: Sure! Anyway, Grif always looked after me, but when he went away, I didn't wanna be alone.

Simmons: Okay, let me get this straight. You felt scared, being alone, so you decided to join a war.

Sarge: She's a Grif alright.

Grif: Wait a minute, she was the one who was tapping!

Simmons: Duh.

Grif's Sister: Yeah. I was wondering why you guys didn't answer.

Simmons: None of us know Morse Code. It's outdated.

Grif's Sister: Don't you mean old school?

Grif: No, don't you get it? If she was the one tapping, then what happened to Donut?

Cut to a an immense underground cavern, with muffled voices coming from above

Donut: A baby, wait up! I wanna see!

Sarge: Donut, get back here! Wait for the ship.

Donut: But Sarge, we don't know when the ship is gonna get here. It's coming all the way from Earth. That could take days, or weeks, or months, or even years!

The ship lands, and Donut falls into the cavern.

Donut: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

After a good six seconds, he goes to the bottom with a thud.

Donut: Ow.