Roaming Charges

Roaming Charges is the eleventh episode of the third season and the forty-ninth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
In the past, Church finds a computer terminal, which answers some questions for him. Church is in the housing facility for The Great Weapon, which The Great Destroyer will use to bring Great Doom to the galaxy in 1,856 years. When the computer describes The Great Destroyer as a "blue being" who "will be known as the stupidest life form in the universe", Church assumes that it must be referring to Caboose. 1,856 years in the future, Caboose asks Sarge to look at the computer terminal, which is playing a message from Church. The message tells Caboose not to touch anything, lest he bring about Great Doom. Specifically, Caboose should avoid bringing the "glowing sword weapon thingy" into the base, as the place will lock its doors. Tucker and Donut stroll in with the sword, and the base locks down, with Caboose's bomb already counting down inside it. In the past, Church finishes recording his message, but, deciding that it will not suffice, asks the terminal to transport him to Blood Gulch so that he can prevent the whole fiasco. While telling jokes to pass the time, the terminal begins the millennium-long process of researching and building a teleporter.

Transcript
Fade in to Church in the past.

Church: Okay, think Church. The bomb went off, you got knocked out, you woke up, and you were here. Question is, where is here?

A wall raises, and Church moves past it to a computer.

Computer: Hello. you are early.

Church: Me?

Computer: you are not supposed to be here for another 1,856 years.

Church: What is this place?

Computer: This is the housing facility for the great weapon. I am the keeper of the great weapon. You are the great destroyer. You will demolish this facility, kill me, steal the great weapon, and bring about the great doom for billions of people. ... welcome! How may i be of assistance?

Church: What're you talking about?

Computer: Your coming has been foretold by the great prophecy.

Church: Does your society have any other adjectives besides great?

Computer: The great prophecy warns the great destoyer will be a blue being.

Church: And you think that's me.

Computer: The blue being will be known as the stupidest life form in the universe.

Church: Wait a second, this destroyer guy. He dresses like me, but he's dumber than anyone else in existence.

Computer: Correct.

Church: Oh crap.

Text screen: 1,856 years in the future.

Cut to unarmed Caboose.

Caboose: Mister Sargeant! Mister Sargeant! Come quick!

Sarge: You'd better have a damn good reason for interrupting our search. Can't you see this is an extremely organized and highly motivated operation!

Text screen: 2 minutes before that.

Cut to Grif and Simmons.

Grif: Yeah I'm bored, I wanna stop doing whatever it is I'm pretending to be doing.

Sarge: You're supposed to be helping me look for Lopez, meat sack. You said you saw him up here.

Grif: We saw his head.

Sarge: Just the head?

Grif: Yeah, it was operating the right turret.

Sarge: How was he pullin' the triggers?

Simmons: He's very determined.

Sarge: You're sure it was Lopez.

Grif: Well, I heard screaming in Spanish, and bullets flying through the air, so either that was Lopez, or this is Mexican New Year.

Sarge: Well where's his head now?

Simmons: I don't know, Tex shot it. Hey, Tex!

Tex: What?

Simmons: When you shot Lopez's head, where did it go?

Tex: How do I know?

Simmons: Are you sure you hit it?

Tex: ...

Simmons: I mean is it possible that you missed?

Tex: ...

Simmons: I mean just this one time, it doesn't say anything about your overall skill level.

Tex: ...

Simmons: Yeah, she says she doesn't know.

Cut to Tucker with his big blue bladey thing, and Donut with his crappy little gun.

Donut: Wow, that's sweet! I like the glowing part. Wh-h does it make cool noises when you swing it?

Tucker: I don't think so... no, wait, is "whoosh" a noise? Because if it is then it does, it goes whoosh whoosh, whshsh, whshthsh, whithishsh, wh-kch, chchchchc, whshsshh, hhshshsh ing, ching, whsch, wheouw. (swings the blade a couple times, making it whoosh in the air) See?

Donut: And you found that in a hole?

Tucker: Yeah dude I was just walking along, following Tex, not really paying attention you know. I fell in some hole. And uh, Tex didn't help me out, she figured she was better off without me, and that's when I found this.

Donut: You know, most people would tell that story in a way that makes it sound a little better.

Tucker: Yeah but, you know, that's not really my style.

Donut: Man, I've never found something that cool in a hole. And I've explored just about every hole you can think of!

Tucker: Hey dude, do me a favor and don't talk like that when I'm playing with my thing.

Cut to the reds (but not pinky) in a hallway.

Sarge: Caboose, what're you yammerin' about? Did you find Lopez?

Caboose: Someone meaner!

Sarge: O'Malley?

Caboose: Meaner!

Grif: You found someone meaner than the guy trying to destroy the universe.

Caboose: Yes!

Church: (in the console behind a BSOD) Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

Caboose: See? It's Church. And he's meaner than ever!

Church: Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

Caboose: Church. I can hear you. Can you hear me.

Church: Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

Caboose: Church. I can hear you. How are you?

Church: Caboose, is that you? Can you hear me?

Simmons: I think it might be a recording.

Grif: Quiet, I wanna see how long this lasts.

Caboose: Church. I can hear you. Do you miss me?

Sarge: Move over, brainiac, let me see if I can get the rest of this thing to play. (starts fidgeting with the console)

Caboose: I carried the bomb and found Church. I, am a very important person.

Grif: Yes we're very impressed...

Sarge: Hmm. I think I can reroute power from the main coupling to the memory storage compartment. Grif, we may have to use some of your circuitry from your armor's life support system.

Grif: Or, I could just hit the play button.

Sarge: Are you sure? I'm already down here.

Grif: I'm sure.

Sarge: I already got the access panel off and everything.

Grif: Pressing play.

Sarge: Alright fine.

Church: Caboose, I know you're there. I'm leaving this message from two thousand years in the past. Whatever you do, don't, touch, anything. Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race.

Caboose: Mmmmmmnooo... that doesn't sound like me. I like people. And buildings also.

Simmons: Caboose, what did you do with the bomb you were carrying?

Caboose: I put it on the X, like... I was s'posed to.

Simmons: Uh oh.

Grif: I think we'd better get outta here.

Church: Whatever you do, don't touch the glowing weapon thing they have stored there.

Simmons: Uh oh.

Church: And if you do, definitely don't bring it in to the main building.

Tucker and Donut walk in, with Tucker brandishing the glowing weapon thing in plain sight.

Tucker: What's up, dawgs?

Church: Otherwise the whole place is gonna lock down, and you're gonna be trapped.

The places starts locking down, trapping them inside.

Donut: Automatic garage door, cool!

Caboose: Would you stop saying bad things that come true! Or... say them ten seconds earlier!

Radio sounds.

Sarge: Tex, this is Sarge. Do not detonate the bomb.

Tex: I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.

Grif: A countdown timer?

Tex: No, a countup timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer you idiot!

Sarge: I think we might be in trouble. Ah fudgepumps.

Text screen: meanwhile, at a different time.

Cut to Church in the past.

Church: Just don't touch anything, don't look at anything, don't breathe on anything.

Computer: Message recorded. Do you think it will work?

Church: No. Like you said man, that guy's dumb as a rock! But at least he has some slightly less stupid people around him that can kind of help him from time to time.

Text screen: t minus 3 minutes.

Sarge: Just three minutes left on the bomb!

Donut: Whah! We're all gonna explode and die!

Grif: Simmons come over here, help me chew on this wall. We can eat our way out!

Text screen: t minus 975,513,603 minutes.

Church: Yeah, on second thought I'd better get back there and handle this personally. Y'know if I could only get back to our old bases, maybe I can change some key events and keep them from getting there. Hey, do you have any way to teleport me to Blood Gulch?

Computer: No. But working at full capacity, I could create a teleporter in approximately 1,000 years.

Church: A thousand years, huh? Kind of a long wait. You know any jokes?

Computer: Did you hear the one about the positronic brain?

Church: Oh yeah, that's the one with the, active matrix and the...

Computer: Yes. that's it. I just love that one. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Church: Yeah it's funny. It's old, but, yeah it's funny.

Computer: How about the one with the jewish simm chip and the irish expansion slot?

Church: Hey come on dude, let's, try to keep it clean.

Computer: Hey. Pull my dongle. Come on you big baby. Just one pull. It won't kill you.