Fight or Fright

Fight or Fright is the third episode of the fourth season and the sixtieth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
Simmons tries to convince Sarge that he did see a tank behind him. Donut concurs, but Sarge disregards his testimony because he is "impressionable", and Grif simply denies it in order to make Simmons look bad. Meanwhile, the Blues insult each other over their previous panicked, wild fire attack on the alien. Tex decides to go in alone and dashes into the complex while the rest debate Church's heroism (or lack thereof). Upon entering the complex, Tex is immediately cut down and re-appears outside in ghost form.

Back at Blood Gulch, Simmons and Donut get into a fistfight/hijacking match over the hovercraft, which Simmons wants to use to find the tank. Believing that Simmons has gone insane, Sarge promotes Grif to his "Number Two" man, but Grif quickly loses the position due to his laziness. On the Blue side, Tucker suggests that Caboose goes into the complex and speak to the alien. Church likes the idea because he and Tex could sneak in and retrieve their bodies while the Alien is chewing on Caboose. Caboose enters, sees Andy, and asks whether he has seen the Alien. As he finishes his sentence he sees the Alien's shadow on the ground next to him.

Transcript
Fade in to Grif, Simmons and Donut standing in front of the Warthog

Simmons: I'm telling you it was here. It drove by while you were talking. You had your back turned, and it went zoom right behind you!

Donut: Well it really sounded like Ehhhhhhhhrchugachugachur-ah, my leg ah!

Simmons: That's not the important part of the story, Donut!

Sarge: Sure, Simmons, I believe you. You saw an enormous tank that appeared miraculously, and then just as quickly disappeared. And you're the only one that can see it. Just like signs of Donut's heterosexuality.

Simmons: No I'm not, Donut saw it!

Donut: Yeah.

Sarge: Donut's impressionable. He'd agree with anything you said.

Donut: Yeah.

Sarge: Aw hell, he'd eat a spoon full of dirt if you told him it tasted like chocolate.

Donut: (gasp) That's not true!

Sarge: Huhuh, so that's where you draw the line?

Donut: No I mean it's not true that dirt tastes like chocolate, right? Seriously, right?

Simmons: Okay, Grif saw it too. We all saw it.

Grif: I don't know what you're talking about, I didn't see a damn thing.

Simmons: What?

Grif: Tank you say? I have no idea what you're talking about. I was too busy paying attention to our Sargeant while he gave us our orders.

Simmons: Oh really, well what did he say?

Grif: Something inspiring about beating the Blues, and the base or the flag er, or something. I'm pretty sure he mentioned a pole cat too, I was getting a little emotional at the end.

Sarge: You see Simmons? Some soldiers know how to pay attention.

Grif: Wow, that might be the first time you've ever actually compli-

Sarge: Shut up dirtbag.

Simmons: Grif, you just told us two minutes ago that you saw it.

Grif: Hyeah, I know, but it's a lot more fun this way.

Cut to Tucker, Caboose, Tex and the ghost of Church outside the complex

Church: Ugh, man I just cannot fuckin' stand the idea of my body laying in there.

Andy: Heh haeh, you never looked better!

Church: Hey shut up, Andy! You know, we could have taken that alien out if I'd have hit him just a few more times.

Tucker: A few more times? How about one time?

Church: Well I think I landed at least two or three shots.

Tucker: Yeah right.

Tex: You didn't hit anything but the wall.

Church: How the hell would you know, you were runnin' straight backwards.

Tex: This is a long range weapon, okay? I need distance to use it effectively.

Tucker: Where were you planning on shooting him from, the fucking moon? If you'd have backed up any further you'd have had to mail him the bullets.

Tex: You know what? I work better alone. You ladies stay here, I'll be back in two minutes with that thing's head on a platter.

Tucker: Does it ever bother you that the most take-charge guy on our team is a girl?

Church: Not at all. As long as I get my body back I don't care if I'm a hero.

Tucker: ...

Caboose: ...

Church: What.

Tucker: Huh, well, Church you're kind of a long way from "hero." Wouldn't it have been better to say "I don't care if I'm a participant?" Or maybe bystander?

Church: Shut up.

Caboose: Or a decoy.

Church: Hey, Caboose, don't help him okay?

Tex goes in

Tucker: Hey she's going in, you guys think she can take him?

Sound of a punch or something, and Tex's ghost materializes behind them

Tex: Oh crap.

Church: Nope.

Cut to Grif and Sarge watching Simmons watch Donut flying the motorcycle

Simmons: Come on Donut, give someone else a turn!

Donut: Wait, wait, I wanna show you guys a bunny hop I'm workin' on. Look! N- no wait, now, he- look, look- awh, oh man, I was totally doin' it earlier, why weren't you guys watching then?

Simmons: I need it to find the tank!

Donut: Wheeeee! Woooooo! Woohooo!

Sarge: Grif. I wanna share something with you. And you can't let Simmons know.

Grif: Whatever.

Sarge: I think that Simmons has gone mad. It's probably some kind of Time Travel Post Traumatic Repetitive Stress Syndrome. In scientific terms, he's developed Cranial Insanitosis. Basically, he's gone bonkers.

Simmons: (over the radio) Sarge, I'm not crazy, I really saw a tank.

Sarge: And apparently he's developed some kind of mutant telepathy power. Clear your mind Grif, he can hear your thoughts!

Simmons: No, you guys just left your mics on again. I keep telling you not to do that 'cause you're just wasting the batteries. Oh and guess who rechar-

Sarge: Clearly he's sabotaging us with his superior technology. Grif, I need you to step up to the plate. You're my number 2 man now.

Grif: Does that mean more work?

Sarge: Of course. You'll have to do Simmons' regular duties on top of the responsibilities I normally entrust you with.

Grif: So basically just Simmons' duties then.

Sarge: Right. Luckily we still have Donut, so no-one has to fill in his shoes. Donut! Combat situation!

Donut: Yes Sir, I'm on it. Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! (continues screaming like a woman)

Sarge: What a pro. Simmons, I mean Grif! Establish a perimeter!

Grif: Huh? What's that?

Sarge: Make a border around us, and make sure no enemy crosses it.

Grif: Huh, that sounds like a lot of effort. Can't I just go back to being number 3 again?

Sarge: Number 3? Whaddaya mean 'Number 3?'

Grif: Oh right, Donut. Can I go back to being number 4 then?

Sarge: And Lopez.

Grif: Fine. I'll be number 5, I don't care.

Sarge: I don't know, that O'Malley guy can really work a rocket launcher.

Grif: But he's the enemy!

Sarge: I'm not real particular. Now get to work on that perimeter! Bogey approaching!

Simmons: Sir I really think we should be looking for that tank.

Sarge: Hold on a minute. Let's just take it easy there, Private First Class Dick Simmons.

Grif starts drawing in the dirt with a sniper rifle

Simmons: But I- hey, what? Why did you use my full name?

Sarge: Grif, what in Sam hell are you doin'?

Grif: I secured your perimeter Sir. Now I'm gonna go over to the chow hall and secure some Oreos. I got a diet to keep up. Break time! (starts running to the base)

Sarge: Honeymoon's over, numbnuts! You're back down to number 7!

Grif: Oh yeah? Well I saw the tank too!

Cut back to the Blues and the dead Blues

Tucker: Maybe Caboose should try talking to him.

Caboose: Uhh, what would I say?

Tucker: Start with some common ground. Like how you both killed Church.

Caboose: Mmm... good times.

Church: You know I actually like that idea.

Tex: You do?

Church: Well think about it. While our Ambassador here is either being a) eaten by the alien, or b) digested, by the alien, you and I can sneak back in and get our bodies.

Caboose: I would make an excellent Ambidasdor, because I am very shy!

Tucker: Get away from me freak!

Church: You know if that word's too hard to pronounce, you can just call yourself bait.

Tex: (at the top of the ramp) There's my body.

Church: Oh yeah, hey look, there's your body. Heh heh heh huh, you really didn't make it very far, did you.

Tex: You know I wonder, ih if I killed a ghost, would it come back as a ghost of a ghost?

Church: Yeah that's a good point I'll... shut up now.

Cut to Caboose sneaking up on the bomb

Caboose: Hey Andy. Say, have you seeeeen, it's a big uh, slimy, like alien looking thing it's uhhh, it's shaped just kinda like that shadow that's on the ground next to you. Oh.

Trivia

 * Simmons's first name is revealed to be "Dick". His rank is also revealed to be a Private First Class.