Yellow Fever

 is the eighth episode of the fifth season and the eighty-fifth overall.

Synopsis
At Red Base, Simmons and Grif debate what they should do about Sister. Simmons alleges that she will kill them in their sleep; Grif suggests they tell her they're Blue. Sister falls for this, further demonstrating her stupidity, but Simmons decides they should ransom her to the Blues. He then begins to dig up Sarge.

Over near Blue Base, Church sends Doc to talk to Sheila and figure out what's wrong with her. He then proceeds to insult Tucker's alien child, inflaming Tucker's anger. Tucker claims he is "getting into this whole parenting thing", then points out that Doc is not a capable mechanic. Church says he thinks Doc will either fix Sheila by accident or destroy her completely. Soon, Grif arrives, telling Church that they want to give Sister to the Blues. Church and Tucker, suspicious, ask for something else instead. They receive Sister just as Simmons arrives on the scene, revealing that Sarge has disappeared from his grave.

Transcript
Fade in to the Reds and Grif's Sister

Simmons: Oh my God what's wrong with you, why didn't you tell us you were a Blue?

Grif's Sister: Because-

Simmons: And don't say "because nobody asked"

Grif's Sister: But nobody did ask!

Simmons: God dammit.

Grif: So what if she is a Blue? We'll still keep her.

Simmons: We can't do that. She's on the other team, she'll kill us in our sleep if we keep her.

Grif's Sister: Do I get to do that? That would be awesome!

Grif: No she wouldn't. Besides she's colour-blind. We'll just tell her we're Blues.

Simmons: Uh, hello, we already told her we're Red? Idiot.

Grif: Yeah? Well she's fucking dumb, too. Hey, we're Blue now.

Grif's Sister: Woohoo, go Blue, let's win!

Grif: See?

Simmons: Oh please, she'll figure it out.

Grif: No she won't. In high school she got kicked off of the cheerleading squad three times for rooting for the wrong team.

Simmons: No, she can't stay. I know, we'll tell the Blues that we took her prisoner. Maybe we can get something outta this mess.

Grif: No way, we can't send her over there, they'll kill her!

Simmons: Why would they kill her Grif, she's Blue. It's not like the Blue team goes around killing its own members.

Grif: Oh, right, because she's a Blue. And if she's over there, then the only people that would be trying to kill her, would be us.

Simmons: Exactly.

Grif: And that means she'd be safe. Because we're like the shittiest team ever.

Simmons: Well, I don't know about that. As our new leader, I have some pretty bold plans to-

Grif: But you're not the leader. It was a misunderstanding. You're the guy who buried our leader.

Simmons: You helped! We're in this together.

Grif: No, I made digging noises with my mouth. Remember?

Simmons: Oh God, get me a shovel! (runs off toward the base)

Grif: Yeah, um... Okay, you're a Blue.

Grif's Sister: Touchdown! Woohoo, go Blue!

Grif: No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you've gotta get outta here before Simmons digs up Sarge.

Grif's Sister: I love digging, I want to help.

Grif: No, you're leaving.

Grif's Sister: Where're we going?

Grif: The other base.

Grif's Sister: The Red base?

Grif: No, the Blue base.

Grif's Sister: We have two bases? Awesome!

Grif: Move!

Cut to Church and Caboose on top of a hill near Blue base as Tucker approaches

Tucker: Hey have you guys seen Doc? I need him to babysit for a while.

Church: Yeah I got him talkin' to Sheila. She's been actin' real wacky lately.

Tucker: Oh yeah? You mean weirder than your average talking tank?

Church: Don't be snarky.

Tucker: Sorry dude, it's the hormones. I just had a baby!

Church: Yeah, Sheila's been acting kinda distant and weird. Plus she's been saying these random threatening things. Kinda reminds me of somebody else.

Tucker: So why is Doc talking to her?

Church: What you didn't hear the "threatening" part I just said? I'm not goin' over there.

Tucker: Why not send Caboose? Aren't they like, in love or something?

Church: Dude, I've had all the cross-species babies that I can take for a while. The last thing I need is a junior Caboose runnin' around with a hundred and thirty millimeter cannon for a head. Your little devil-spawn is enough for me.

Tucker: Don't talk about my kid like that.

Church: What's your deal?

Tucker: I don't know, I think I'm kinda getting in to this whole parenting thing. I caught myself looking at minivans the other day. Gruuhgh.

Church: Of course you are. That's why you need a babysitter for a newborn. I'll be sure to nominate you for Dad of the Year.

Tucker: Don't judge me.

Church: Anyway, Doc's gonna figure out what's wrong with her and give her a little tune-up.

Tucker: But Doc's not a mechanic, he's a doctor. 'n not a doctor, a medic. I guess he's not really a medic either 'cause he's never really helped anyone. He's just some, annoying guy that we know, with purple armour, who's annoying. Point is, Doc's not a mechanic.

Church: I know. I figure Doc's mechanic skills are probably about as bad as his first aid skills. He's either gonna fix her by accident, or make her completely inoperable, and then I can go down there and figure out what's really goin' on. Either way, I win. Oh, he might also get blown up by her, that's also good.

Cut to Doc in front of Sheila

Doc: Yeah maybe Yoga lessons weren't such a guhood idea after all. Let's try some deep breathing. In through the air filter... out through the manifold... in through the air filter... out through the manifold.

Sheila aims at Doc's forehead

Doc: Uh, okay, why don't we try some aversion therapy. Think about something that makes you really angry, that isn't me.

Sheila: Sure.

Cut to Church looking at Sheila through the sniper rifle as she aims directly at him

Church: Uhhh, yeah... I don't feel as good about my plan as I used to.

Grif: Hey Blues!

Church: Aw crap, here we go. They must have figured out how fucked up our team is right now. Oh shit, they even brought their new guy t-

Tucker: Girl.

Church: What ever! Just play along. Act like our team is okay, and we have everything under control.

Tucker: Please, I been puttin' on that act fer like three years now.

Church: What do you want, Red?

Grif: I got a prisoner for you!

Church: What'd he say?

Tucker: He says he has a prisoner for us.

Church: Oh what, they're giving us prisoners now? Dude, that sounds like bullshit, I smell a trap.

Tucker: Reds aren't that smart.

Church: Okay normally I would agree with that. But this is the orange one, he's pretty crafty. He's a lot like me.

Tucker: Like you? Shit. Then do I have time to put in my ear plugs and hide all our food?

Church: Up yours dickhead. Why would they wanna give us one o' their guys?

Tucker: Why're you asking me?

Church: Oh right. Why're you giving us one o' your guys as a prisoner?

Grif: She's one o- your guys! She came to our side by mistake! What's their deal, why aren't they going for this? We have to hurry. I gotta get back before Simmons digs up Sarge.

Church: I don't buy this. Whadda you want for her?

Grif: Uhm, nothing. It w- it was an honest mistake, uh you can have her back now, no harm no foul. Well, look can we hurry this up?

Church: Yeah, this is bullshit.

Tucker: Ask for something else.

Church: Uh, we want something else.

Grif: What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!

Tucker: Got any money?

Grif: Fuck you dude! Get going, call me if you have any problems, and don't go near any Reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they can't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarass the family. Think of Mom.

Grif's Sister: Don't do me any favours, bitch.

Church: What else was on the ship?

Grif: What do you mean!?

Church: Yeah like guns, or weapons...

Tucker: Or snacks! Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you wanted to.

Grif: Nope, just the girl. Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!

Tucker: That's okay, we can still fuck this one!

Grif's Sister: Woohoo!

Grif: God dammit! Never mind, just send her back!

Church: No takebacks!

Grif: Ahw, what the fuck!?

Simmons approaches from the rear (bow chicka bow wow!) and joins Grif

Simmons: Oh my God Grif he's gone!

Grif: Who's gone?

Simmons: Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there.

Grif: What? Did you dig in the right spot?

Simmons: Oh, you're right, maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!

Grif: Oh calm down.

Simmons: Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Awh, at least we still have the Blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what're you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?

Grif: Uhhh, nothing. So that uh, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.

Simmons: Hey, is that your sister over there with the Blues?

Grif starts backing away...

Simmons: What's she doing over there? ...Why're they all high-fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Whoa they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif, hey! Where'd he go?

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