Nine Tenths of the Law

Nine Tenths of the Law is the eighth episode of the second season and the twenty-seventh of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
Grif and Simmons return from their attempt to return Doc to the Blue Team, where Donut was constantly talking to Sarge who remained silent. Meanwhile, at Blue Base, Tucker and Caboose still haven't fixed Church's legs, and Caboose suggests for him to leave the body, and get Lopez to repair himself. However, Lopez runs away, so Church (in Ghost form) follows in pursuit. Tucker, however, doesn't want to go through the teleporter, so he just throws a grenade in, which explodes near a retreating Lopez and a confused Church. The Red's, believing the Blue's are attacking, prepare for battle. Sarge and Simmons get in the Warthog, leaving Donut to annoy Grif.

Transcript
A Shot of Blood Gulch's Sun.

The shot then slides down to reveal Sarge and Donut watching over the canyon from Red Base

Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base today, huh Sarge! This is new. I notice you use a shotgun, that's cool. I just use this pistol, it works for me. (he starts whistling casually). So, you think the guys will be back soon? What do you think they're up to? Do you think they stopped at the store? I noticed we were getting pre-tty low on Elbow Grease.

Sarge: ...

Donut: When you die can I have your armor?

Simmons appears behind them

Simmons: Hey we're back!

Sarge and Donut turn around

Donut: Oh man am I glad it's you guys, Sarge would not stop talking! Seriously.

Sarge: Grif, Simmons, were you able to work out a suitable exchange?

Grif runs up and stands next to Simmons

Simmons: Uhh, not exactly sir. You see, when we showed up the blues were doing something, really weird and then w-

Grif: Really weird! And they were rude!

Simmons: Hey dumbass, I thought we agreed I was gonna tell the story.

Grif: (half heartedly) Excuse me! Go ahead!

Simmons: (back to Sarge) Well you see, the blue guys were really weird. And not just normal weird, really weird.

Grif: You're not telling it right.

Simmons: Okay fine, how do you remember it?

Grif: Well, I remember we agreed that you're a kissass. I got fuzzy on the rest of the details.

Simmons: Anyway, they didn't want the prisoner back sir.

Camera zooms in on Sarge

Sarge: Why, those cunning blue devils! Does their treachery know no bound!

Grif: It wasn't a total loss sir. I was able to steal his wallet.

Sarge: Grif, I may just make a respectable soldier outta you yet.

Grif: Really sir?

Sarge: Hell no! Now leave the money on my nightstand and get back to work!

Cut to the blues

Church: Alright Tucker, what the hell are we gonna do man? I gotta get my legs working, here.

Tucker: I don't know but I can't just keep pulling wires down there, I think we should call in a professional. Maybe someone who can fix Sheila too.

Church: Okay, great idea, but the only two people that can do that are Senior El Roboto and Tex.

Caboose: Hmm, Tex can be kinda hard to work with.

Tucker: Yeah, dead people usually are.

Church: Quite frankly Tucker, I find your attitude offensive.

Caboose: What about that Lopez person? Is he available?

Church: No, I'm in his body remember?

Caboose: Well, why don't you just leave his body and then Tucker and I will make him fix you and my girlfriend!

Church: Girlfriend?! What're you a retard?

Caboose: I-I mean uh, Tucker and I will make him fix you and ah, the beautiful tank, that really means nothing to me, uh then we can get you back in his body when he is done.

Tucker: I'm confused, that actually seems like a good idea.

Church: I know...

Tucker: But Caboose said it.

Church: I know!

Tucker hits Church with his pistol

Church: Ow! What the hell was that for?!

Tucker: I don't know, I thought maybe I was dreaming. So I punched you in the face to make sure I wasn't.

Church: Tucker, when you think you're dreaming, you don't punch somebody else, you get somebody else to pinch you!

Tucker: Dude, it doesn't matter what kind of dream I'm having. I am not going to ask you to pinch me.

Church: If you dented my forehead Tucker, I'm going to be pissed!

Tucker: Yeah yeah yeah.

Church: Lets try this. I'll jump outta Lopez's body real quick, you two just watch him and make sure he doesn't try anything. Got it?

Tucker and Caboose: Okay Church.

Church: (clears throat) Alright, here's goes nothing. Hegerkerk. (Church appears to have left Lopez's body)

Tucker: You know, I have to hand it to you Caboose, you finally came up with a good idea.

Caboose: Aw, thanks man it was nothing (while they're talking Lopez looks around, apparently confused)

Tucker: No no, you really contributed. That's what it's all about. (Lopez turns around and runs off the base)

Caboose: You know, I just enjoy the process.

Church: (back to being a ghost) Yeah, back in the spirit world, alright! Man I forgot how good this feels, kinda loosey goosey. Hey, what'd you guys do with my body?

Tucker: What do you care about you body, you can't even move your- (turns around to see Lopez running away.) Oh hey look your legs work!

O'Malley: (holding up the sniper rifle) This one is mine! (he shoots)

Church: Hey Caboose whoa cut it out man, you're gonna damage my body! Tucker, you guys go through the teleporter and cut him off. I'll meet you guys out there (he fades away)

Tucker: There's no way I'm going through the teleporter again. I still got this tingle in the back of my... look dude I'm just not going back through the teleporter okay?

Caboose: But Church said so-

Tucker: Yeah but Church didn't think of THIS! (he throws a grenade through the teleporter) Come on, lets go. (he runs off the base)

cut to Lopez near the teleporter's exit. Church appears in front of him

Church: Alright, hold it right there, amigo. (the grenade comes out the teleporter exit.)

Lopez: Mira, que cosa mas fina. (runs away)

Church: Hey I said hold it not run away! You big...robot baby! What the hell? That rock looks just like a grenade......ah crap. (it explodes)

''cut to the explosion being seen from red base through a sniper held by Grif. cut to normal view of Grif, Simmons standing next to him, and Sarge approaching them''

Sarge: What in Sam Hell is going on out there Grif?

Grif: Sir I think we're under attack. A very sloppy and poorly coordinated attack.

Sarge: How many do you see?

scope view of Tucker and Caboose running toward them

Grif: There's two coming our way and another one seems to be...(sees Lopez running away) retreating?

cut to normal view of the reds again

Sarge: Oh, we'll give them all the reason to retreat. Sattle up Simmons, lets go rope us some blue steer!

Simmons: Woohoo!

(Simmons and Sarge run off the base, while both uttering happy cheers. Donut stands next to Grif)

Donut: So, just you and me hanging out at the base, that's cool!

Grif: Shut up rookie.

Donut: Do you think they'll be gone long? Me and Sarge had a great time together. We talked about all kinds of stuff

Grif: (while Donut babbles) Oh my God, I'm not even gonna listen to this.

Donut: We talked about his mother, we talked about home decorating, we talked about (?) ideas-

Grif: Are you ever going to shut up? Jesus Christ!

Donut: (continuing) We shared recipes for soufles, oh man we had such a blast! And then we talked about our feelings (Grif grunts in disgust) and then we also discussed what it was like to be the loner in high school (during the rest of this time Grif continues to make sounds of annoyance) and you know all the other kids made fun of us, and we had a really great time I mean Sarge is a really neat person and we talked about his dream the other night where he dreamed that, ah, some shit happened.

Grif: Why me?