Looking for Group

Looking for Group is the eighth episode of the fourth season and the sixty-fifth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
On Zanzibar's beach, Tucker finds himself as an involuntary sword-bearer as he is forced to partake of the sacred quest that has some resemblance to The Lord of the Rings. After Crunchbite explains the lands that he and Tucker will travel through, Church informs Tucker (the fighter, Caboose's terminology) that Caboose (the wizard), Andy (the stealthy archer), and Crunchbite (the healer) will be the team that goes out on this quest. Though this quest is pretty much a suicide mission, Tucker does warn Church that he better hope that Tucker survives, or he will be forced to take care of any children that Tucker might have.

At Blood Gulch, Simmons' attack on Red Base continues. However, he has been so indoctrinated with hatred of the Blues that all of his insults and attack orders confuse the words Red and Blue. Grif, still watching Simmons and Sheila fire upon Red Base, convinces Simmons to come back with him. Despite the selfishness of Grif's reasons, Simmons admits he misses the old days. However, just as he is about to go back to the Reds, Sarge sees that Simmons has painted his armor mostly blue and is unable to accept him back. Sarge says he can understand many things, even the reasons for attacking one's own base out of anger, but to see one of his former soldiers wear the colors of the Blues, is unacceptable.

Transcript
Fade in to the Blues plotting their valiant assault

Chunchbite: Blargh blargh blargh, blargh.

Andy: Then after we cross the Burning Plaine of Honka Hill, we're gonna reach the Freezing Plains of Blarganthia.

Caboose: The Burning Plains are next to the Freezing Plains? I bet there's some pretty wet plains in between.

Tucker: This is so dumb, I'm not doing this.

Church: Hey, news flash, you don't have a choice. You're the one that picked up the sword and locked it to yourself

Tucker: I know! And I'm so used to picking up things, and not letting them get attached. ...I'm talkin' about women.

Church: I know, yes, I got it.

Tex: Don't worry Tucker, we're not gonna send you alone.

Tucker: You're coming with me Tex?

Tex: Me? Hell no! This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.

Tucker: Well I'm not goin' with Church, that guy's a worse fighter than I am.

Church: Well you're in luck then, because I'm not goin' either.

Tucker: What? Then who?

Caboose: ...

Tucker: No fuckin' way. I'm not goin' with him.

Caboose: Oh, oh, oh, I hope we meet a Cleric along the way. None of us knows how to heal.

Alien: Blarhun?

Andy: He says he's a healer.

Caboose: Oh good.

Andy: Heh heh, not really, they eat their wounded. Heh heh heh.

Caboose: Just like chiropractors.

Tucker: This is a joke, right, you're sending Caboose? What's wrong with you?

Church: What's wrong with me? I saw a chance to get rid of Caboose and I took it. There's nothin' wrong with me.

Caboose: Okay, so, um, Tucker is a fighter, uh, Crunchbite is the healer, and I am the powerful... and intelligent, wizard. Morphumax.

Andy: What the hell does that make me?

Caboose: You're the good looking and stealthy archer.

Andy: A bow and arrow- I don't have any arms, you freakin' moron!

Caboose: That is what makes you so stealthy. This is going to be the best party ever.

Tucker: I'm gonna fuckin' die.

Church: Hyeah I guess this is it Tuckeher. Nice knowin' ya.

Tucker: Hoh, you better hope that I don't die, 'cause if I do, you're the one taking care of my kids.

Church: You have kids?

Tucker: Heheh probably.

Slice to Simmons and Sheila sieging the Salmon side's structure

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Simmons: Yeahah, take that. Suck it Blue- I mean Red! Suck it Blue-uh damn! Red! God, this is harder than I thought.

Grif: Hey Simmons, what the hell are you doing?

Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm attacking the Blue base. I mean the Red base, fuck!

Donut: Defense is established Sarge!

A tank shell strikes Red Base

Donut: Cancel that Sarge, defenses are destroyed.

Grif: Killing our own team huh, that's cool. Hey listen, how long do you expect this whole crazy thing to last?

Simmons: I'm not crazy Grif, you just wouldn't listen to me when I said there was a tank.

Grif: I listened to you.

Simmons: You told Sarge that there wasn't a tank. There it is, it's a tank!

Grif: Oh, you said listen to you, not agree with you. Yeah, I thought that joke was pretty funny, but now Donut's my manager and, everything kinda sucks now.

Simmons: Well too bad, 'cause this is what you get now you dumb blue bitch. Red bitch, fuck, you know what I mean!

Sheila: Firing main cannon.

Sarge: Great sodium chloride, there goes my chemistry set.

Grif: I don't think killing Sarge is much of a punishment for me. Just come back to the base man. I'll let you boss me around again.

Simmons: I don't know, I think you're just telling me what I wanna hear.

Grif: I am, see, it's just like old times! Come on buddy.

Simmons: Will you help me clean my armor?

Grif: How 'bout I promise to help you clean it, but then just convince Donut to do it later?

Simmons: Hah, good ol' Grif.

Sarge: Simmons, is that you?

Simmons: Yeah Sarge, but don't worry. We got-

Sarge: Simmons, I can understand your going crazy and seein' imaginary tanks!

Simmons: The tank is right there for the love of God.

Sarge: And I can obviously understand why you'd wanna attack your own base.

Simmons: You can?

Sarge: But painting yourself blue? Dear God man, doncha have any shame at all?

Grif: Hey Sarge, you should also note that he missed a coupla spots.

Sarge: Grif, what in Sam Hell are you doin' out there? At least Simmons has the intelligence to formulate a mutinous plan!

Simmons: Thank you Sir. I mean suck it Blue! God dammit, I mean Red.

Sarge: But you're a slothful idiot! Treason takes effort. I never expected this from you.

Grif: Aoh up yours.

Sarge: What was that?

Grif: Up yours Sir.

Sarge: That's better!