Getting All Misty

Getting All Misty is the eleventh episode of the fourth season and the sixty-eighth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
Sarge and Donut enter Blue Base to rescue Grif without encountering any perimeter defense, such as Sheila. Inside the base, Grif is still playing with the gravity lift that Simmons originally mistook for a hole. As Grif runs to and fro on it, both Simmons and he question how Sheila was able to upgrade the base without any tools or arms. Simmons then concludes that if he could somehow determine the real truth, he could reconcile with Sarge. At this point, Sarge intervenes, knocking Grif out. Before Sarge can execute Simmons for treason, however, Church appears and knocks Sarge out from behind. Church mistakes the mostly blue Simmons as a Blue soldier native to the future.

The Sacred Quest team finds itself in the Great Swamp, where Andy says they can rest and sleep for a while. However, with strong allusions to The Lord of the Rings, Caboose notices that something has been following them. Andy confirms that this Gollum-like creature has been following them since the beginning of their journey. Later that night, Tucker awakes to find that he is apparently alone in the swamp. As he begins to look for his companions, the mysterious figure approaches Tucker from behind (as he is being used as bait).The Alien ambushes the intruder, who turns out to be Tex. She then joins the team after being promised the sword upon completion of the quest.

Transcript
Fade in to Donut and Sarge attacking the Blue Base ...sort of

Donut: If you don't like the plants idea, how do ya feel about a fountain in the armory? That place is so gloomy.

Sarge: Come on, Donut, give it a rest already. I agreed to let you use Grif's helmet as a decorative bird bath, didn't I? Don't oversell.

Donut: Okay, but I have just one more idea. I'm gonna say two words, and then walk away. Chantilly, lace.

Sarge: Unless you're about to start singin' a Big Bopper song, I think the best part of that idea is the walkin' away.

Donut: Let it simmer.

Sarge: Hmm, no sign of any defenses. I think we might be catching Simmons at a weak moment.

Donut: Hmm, no sign of the tank either.

Sarge: Dear God, the madness is spreading! It's only a matter of time before it takes me!

The sound of Grif coming up from the hole

Grif: Wheeeeeeeee!

Donut: Did you hear that? It sounds like they're having fun in there.

Sarge: Clearly Grif has become so stupid, he's mixed up the yells for pain and happiness! Simmons must be doing absolutely diabolical things to him! Let's give him a few more hours, see if he escapes on his own.

Grif: Simmons I am having a blast going in and out of your hole!

Simmons: Grif just stay down there like you're told.

Donut: Well that's my cue, let's go!

Cut to Simmons inside the Base, like the good Blue Red he is

Simmons: Grif, stop it I need your help.

Grif: (still going in and out of the hole) Go ahead, I'm listening.

Simmons: Would you stop riding that stupid grav lift?

Grif: I can do both at once. And why don't we have one of these things?

Simmons: The tank's been making upgrades to the base over the last few hundred years.

Grif: How did it do that without any tools? ...Or arms?

Simmons: I don't know, a lot of what she says doesn't match up. I think she might be lying to me.

Grif: You think the enemy's weapons are lying to us? What a surprise!

Simmons: It seems like a setup, I just can't figure out how.

Grif: (getting punched or something) Ow!

Simmons: I don't know, if I can piece it together maybe that'll help fix things with- Sarge!?

Sarge: Hello, Simmons.

Simmons: Where's Grif?

Sarge: Well this here's a rescue operation. He's unconscious down below, being prepped for evac.

Simmons: If it's a rescue operation, why did you knock him out?

Sarge: Well, all work and no play, you know, heh heh heh.

Simmons: That's dumb.

Sarge: I think you know the proper procedure for submitting complaints, Simmons.

Simmons: Heugh, I'll get my calligraphy pens.

Sarge: Don't bother. I think you also know how we treat traitors on Red Team! (Cocks his Shotgun)

Simmons: I'm guessing you're not cocking that gun to give me a one gun salute in honor of my new promotion.

Sarge: I don't think so. Simmons, just remember, this hurts me more than it hurts you.

Simmons: I seriously doubt that, Sir.

Sarge: Well, it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you.

Simmons: I don't buy that either.

Sarge: Well I am the one who has to clean the shotgun later, and those solvents smell so-

''Church sneaks up on Sarge and knocks him out with the butt end of his sniper rifle. The same one Tucker still hasn't gotten to hold''

Church: Booya!

Sarge: Geegagawboh!

Simmons: Ooh, the back of your head.

Church: Well that was close. I've always wanted to say "booya" too, that was awesome. ...Booyeah.

Simmons: Where the hell'd you come from?

Church: Huh? Oh, you must be one of the new Blues that took over our base after we left. Listen, don't be afraid, but I'm from the past.

Simmons: Why would I be afraid of someone from the past? People from the future are scary. People from the past are savages and idiots.

Sarge: Whaoweaugh, what the, who hit me?

Simmons: Hurry, quick, before he wakes up, help me get this guy in the hole.

Church: We have a hole? That's kickass!

''Cut to a dirty, nasty swamp where Tucker and friends are... sounds like an early morning cartoon, doesn't it?''

Andy: Alright. This, is the Great Swamp. We can rest here a while before we move on.

Tucker: Yeah, let's rest in a swamp, that makes sense.

Andy: Save your energy Tucker, you're gonna need it.

Tucker: Aw screw that. So far this quest is a fuckin' breeze. I've already killed a dead monster. What's next, we gonna open an unlocked door? Rescue a Princess from herself?

Andy: Hey Caboose. What's wrong?

Caboose: I think something is following us.

Andy: Yeah. It's been on us since we left. Part of the prophecy talks about something evil that tries to take the Great Weapon.

Tucker: You mean my awesome dead monster killing weapon? It can have it.

Andy: It's attracted to it. It can't live without it.

Tucker: That doesn't sound good. Hey Caboose, come here and hold my sword.

Andy: It's okay, we got a plan. We can make camp, and then we'll tell ya about it.

Caboose: I love camping!

''Fade out, then back in to ...the same place? What kind of useless dissolve was that? Oh yeah, Tucker's sleeping and snoring''

Tucker: (snore) ...twins... hm, huh? Hey, guys? Andy? ...Caboose? Alien thing? ... ...Guys? Anybody?

The whatever it is that's following them slowly sneaks up on Tucker as he says this

Andy: Now Caboose!

The Alien: WHARRRRRG!

''Crunchbite jumps on it and starts pummeling it. Go alien dude!''

Andy: We got it!

Caboose: Is it safe to come out yet?

Andy: Caboose, you were supposed to help.

Caboose: I was helping watch.

Andy: What if somethin' had happened?

Caboose: I'm sure I would have seen it.

Tucker: Hey what the hell, where did you guys go?

Andy: We laid a trap.

Tucker: A trap? You left me all alone!

Andy: Heh heh heh, you can't have a trap without bait!

Tucker: I was the bait?

Caboose: I thought you did a very good job.

Tex: Get off of me you stinky idiot!

Tucker: Tex?

Tex: This is some greeting. I come to help you guys and ya ambush me.

Andy: You weren't comin' to help, you were comin' to steal the sword!

Tex: No I wasn't. I was coming to steal your reward.

Andy: There is no reward. The reward, is the sword.

Tex: Oh. Thennn yeah, I guess I'm here to steal the sword.

The Alien: Hurn, blarrr.

Andy: Oh yeah yeah, and also the salvation and emancipation of his species for all eternity.

Tex: Tell you what. I'll go fifty fifty. You keep the emancipation, and I'll keep the sword.

The Alien: Hurhonk?

Andy: Deal.

Tucker: What do I get?

Tex: You get to live, but no guarantees.

Tucker: That's not a reward for me, that's a reward for all the fine ladies in the universe.

Tex: I'm a woman, and somehow... I don't feel any luckier.

Tucker: I said fine ladies.

Andy: What do you want Caboose?

Caboose: I want a pony.