Episode 50 Part 2

Episode 50 Part 2 is the thirteenth episode of the third season and the fifty-first of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
The episode opens in the past, before the beginning of season 2, with Church and Tex's funeral, showing their gravestones (which are oddly enough a christian star and a 6 pointed star showing that one of them is jewish.) Past-Church and Tucker argue over who is going to deliver the eulogy. Meanwhile, having failed to prevent the deaths of himself and Tex, future-Church now dedicates himself to stopping O'Malley. As before, his attempts to alter the past merely result in him creating the very disasters he was trying to prevent.

Firstly, in an attempt to make sure Doc is NOT sent back to Blue Base, he contacts Vic (pretending to be Captain Flowers, whom Vic believes to be dead), pretends to be in a covert ops program and tells him to contact the Red Base and order them to send Doc as far away as possible. Vic misconstrues this order and starts to believe that Red and Blue are the same, and that he cannot let anyone know (hence why Vic tries to have Tucker killed later). However, this order is what caused the Reds to send Doc to Blue Base in the first place.

Next, he tries to stop Sheila and Lopez forming their robot army, but his words are what actually cause them to get the idea of a rebellion. Then, he tries to repair the Red Team's teleporter so that it will not malfunction later, but fails to complete the job in time, and when Sheila and Tucker crash into Red Base (Episode 33) the teleporter is damaged. Church then wakes up just before the start of the shootout in Episode 38. He tries to hit O'Malley with a homing rocket launcher, but since the homing system is defective, it hits Tucker. Witnessing the events of the climactic shootout of season 2, Church retreats to his cave again, since he already knows how it all ends.

Transcript
Fade in to Past Church, Caboose and Tucker standing in front of the tombstones near Blue Base, with Future Church watching from afar

Past Church: Um... Maybe somebody should say something.

Tucker: Okay, go ahead.

Past Church: Not me, jackass. I'm not gonna eulogize myself.

Tucker: What? Why not, I eulogize myself all the time. Wait... I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Caboose: Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved

Past Church: No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up.

Caboose: We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Church, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end.

Tucker: Man this funeral is laaaame. If you need me I'll be over by my rock.

Past Church: Hey Tucker, can I have a piggy-back ride back to base?

Tucker: No, nonono, I fell for that shit last time, I'm not doing that. That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds.

Past Church: Come on, one more piggy-back ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm in mourning here.

Cut to Future Church

Past Church: I've been through so much. At least help me paint my body blue.

Future Church: Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Lopez and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I... Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one.

Cut to past Church and Tucker trying to activate the repair function in episode 23

Past Church: Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!

Tucker: Found it?

Past Church: Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

Tucker: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.

Future Church runs by inside the base, and the camera conveniently cuts to him there

Future Church: Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information.

Back outside

Tucker: Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.

Past Church: Well, give it a flip.

Tucker: I don't wanna flip it.

Back inside to Future Church standing in front of Cabose's Importent Lists of Stuf

Future Church: Okay, here we go.

Radio sounds

Future Church: Come in Blue Command, do you read me.

Vic: (through static) Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me, what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on.

Future Church: Uh yeah, this is, uh, Flowers, this is Captain Butch Flowers.

Vic: Heyyy, Captain Flowers, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it.

Future Church: Uhm... promoted.

Vic: Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?

Future Church: Good. Listen up Vic, I'm actually uh... whaddaya call it, um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. And very top.

Vic: I'm all yours, dude. Me Vic dude es tu Vic dude. in a ditideepti and all that.

Future Church: Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer DuFresne, as far away from here as possible.

Vic: Red Army, no no dude, last transmission I received that Medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended. Not sure what that means.

Future Church: Look it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me.

Vic: Hello dude, you're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch.

Future Church: Right, exactly, the sides don't matter.

Vic: Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything.

Future Church: What?

Vic: Well I mean from starters we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool.

Future Church: Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let anybody know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?

Vic: I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word. Actually bird is the word but the bird says mum. So we're gonna go with that. Over and out dude. (transmission ends)

Future Church: Well that should take care of at least one problem.

Vic: So... Red and Blue are the same. Well I gotta make some phone calls.

Cut to Simmons looking up at Past Church paralyzed from the waist down

Simmons: What the hell are you guys doing?

Tucker: Aw crap, the reds are here.

Past Church: What? Caboose, why didn't you say anything?

Future Church: (inside the base) Oh what the hell? Vic just had 'em bring Doc back over here? That guy's a fricking moron. Now I'm back to square one!

Cut to Past Church as a ghost talking to Caboose and Tucker

Ghost Church: Guys, I keep telling you, if we have Lopez remove any of Sheila's pedals, she's not gonna function properly.

Tucker: Maybe we could just get Lopez to give Caboose more feet.

Caboose: Oh! I like that idea! I have always wanted to be taller.

In the background, Future Church runs up to Lopez and Sheila, and the camera once again conveniently cuts to them there, as if it was scripted or something

Future Church: Hey there Lopez, Sheila, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye. (runs off)

Lopez: I don't trust that guy. He seems shifty.

Sheila: Me neither, but I have to admit, I liked his Robot Army idea.

Lopez: Me too. We should do that.

Lopez: I could build a one man flying vehicle with rocket launchers using the extra parts we have.

Sheila: Great idea. Let's hide it in the cave, so they won't find it.

Lopez: Agreed.

Cut to Future Church over a hill

Future Church: Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters...

Cut to Donut talking to Grif behind the Warthog

Donut: Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on?

Grif: Oh God!

Future Church: (messing with the red teleporter) Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Tucker was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done. Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast... Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'. Uh oh.

Tucker: Curses!

''Sheila runs in to the Warthog... again''

Lopez: (in flight) Ayayay... Frejoles.

Sheila runs in to the base, sending Future Church flying backwards

Future Church: Yow!

The teleporter short circuits

Cut to Future Church waking up after about 5 episodes of being unconscious, somehow undetected by the Reds

Future Church: Oh... What the hell happened? Where am I? When am I?

Cut to the Parabola of Mystery

Tucker: Uh, Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

Ghost Church: What?

Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle, just a side-note.

Ghost Church: Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion, Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, who cares!? Get the god damn show on the road!

Tucker: Alright, alright, sorry.

Future Church: Oh no. The Parabola of Mystery! That means any second now Tucker's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless...

Cut to Sarge

Sarge: Simmons, Grif... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!

Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from friday?

Simmons: Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.

Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (charges up the hill)

Tucker: Wait everyone, stop fighting!

Sarge: Yeah, come on!

Tucker: It's all a lie!

Sarge: Let's go! Haha

Tucker: Red is blue! Blue is red!

Sarge: Yeah, kablammo!

Tucker: We're all the same!

Sarge: Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!

Future Church arrives at a random rocket launcher lying in the middle of the valley

Future Church: God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it. (picks it up)

Ghost Church: (in background) Tucker, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!

Future Church: (homing in on O'Malley in the scooter) Ah, there he is. Mine now buddy.

Future Church fires a rocket at O'Malley, but misses and hits Tucker in the back

Tucker: It's all the- Waaaaaa son of a bitch!

Future Church: WHAT THE HELL!? The targetting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now.

Donut: Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!

Future Church: Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends.

Trivia

 * When Past Church and Tucker are attempting to get the repair function to work during Episode 23, Future Church runs inside the base. When Episode 23 first aired, Church was seen running inside, but it was believed to be Caboose. This gives good evidence to the solider being Church.

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