Strong Male Figure

 is the seventh episode of the fifth season and the eighty-fourth overall.

Synopsis
Church introduces Tucker to his child, calling it "your little monstrosity." Tucker claims he didn't plan it this way, causing Church to scoff at his ever having planned anything at all. Tucker wonders what he's supposed to do with the child, to which Caboose suggests talking about Baseball, Church then points out that its an alien child, Caboose then suggesting T-ball, which Church then says that alien was the key word, Tucker asks again causing Church to tell him that Tucker has something in common with the alien race: their only purpose is "to tell huge, grandiose lies to people in order to seduce them and impregnate them." To which Tucker replies that he'll just stick to Baseball. Caboose then suggests that he talk about how he got to "third base" with his dad, causing Church to quickly yell at him.

Back at Red Base, Simmons declares himself the new Red Leader and orders both Grif and Sister to do laps around the base, even going so far as to threaten Grif with Sarge's shotgun. Ultimately, Simmons threatens to call Red Command, and Sister asks why not call "our guys...Blue Command." Grif sheepishly points out that his sister is colorblind, indirectly revealing that she joined the wrong team. Horrified, Simmons realizes his mistake and begins to try and dig up Sarge.

Meanwhile, in the cave below, Donut awakens and finds the bodies of Church and Tex. Somehow failing to realize that they are dead, he decides they are asleep, and waits for them to wake up.

Transcript
Fade in on the Alien looking very small again

Church: So this is it Tucker. This is your little monstrosity. Your little abomination of nature.

Tucker: Uh, what do I do?

Church: Why're you asking me?

Tucker: I don't know how to be a Dad. This isn't the way I planned it.

Church: You planned this? Tucker, I had no idea.

Tucker: No no, I mean I always wanted to have the ideal Father-Son relationship. You know, where I see him for like eight hours every other weekend and send cheques to some woman I hate.

Caboose: It's emotional conversations like this that make me miss my Mom.

Church: Alright look let's leave these two alone. Let 'em do a little bonding.

Tucker: Hey don't leave me here with him, what'm I s'posed to say?

Caboose: Ask him if he likes baseball.

Church: It's an alien baby Caboose.

Caboose: Ask him if he likes T-ball.

Church: Alien, Caboose. Alien was the key word in that sentence.

Tucker: Seriously, don't go. I don't even know where to start.

Church: Tucker, he's part of an alien race whose only purpose seems to be to tell huge, grandiose lies to people, so that they can seduce them, and then impregnate them. So, why don't you start with that? You know, common ground.

Tucker: Yeah I think I'll just stick to baseball.

Caboose: Tell him about how his Dad got to third base with you.

Church: Caboose!

Cut to outside the Red Base, now sans Sarge

Grif: So how much oxygen do you think Sarge has in his suit?

Simmons: Oxygen?

Grif: Yeah, you know, to breathe and stuff.

Simmons: Oh, you know, probably like three hours depending on his level of activity.

Grif: He's buried six feet underground. I don't think he's got much chance for activities.

Simmons: Well, I don't think you're an authority.

Grif: Authority? We didn't even use a coffin, we just threw a buncha dirt on him.

Simmons: No; I threw a bunch of dirt on him. You two only pretended to help and made a bunch of digging noises with your mouth!

Grif: You know that trick?

Grif's Sister: I learned from the best!

Simmons: Well, as your new Commander you're both gonna learn a little discipline. And we're gonna start by running laps around the base. Sister, you can do girly laps.

Grif: You mean after we dig up Sarge.

Simmons: (drawing a shotgun) No I mean right now, Grif.

Grif's Sister: What're girly laps?

Grif: Hey, Simmons? I don't think Sarge is gonna like you picking up his shotgun.

Simmons cocks the shotgun

Grif: And I really don't think he's gonna like you threatening me with it. ...Well okay, he might like that part.

Simmons: As the new leader, what I say goes. So everyone needs to start running, right now.

Grif: But what about Sarge?

Simmons: You heard what Command said. Sarge is dead. He died of... what'd he die of?

Grif's Sister: Aspirin overdose.

Simmons: See, Sarge is dead of a- an Aspirin overdose? Really?

Grif's Sister: I know! I didn't think it was possible. And trust me, I've tried.

Simmons: Yeah, wait- what?

Grif: Simmons, don't be stupid! He's not dead, he's just lying underground covered in dirt.

Simmons: If I say he's dead, he's dead. Ah'm the leader, me! And being the leader means you have to make tough decisions. Like, just for talking back, you can't do girly laps.

Grif: You've gone blind with imaginary power, Simmons.

Simmons: Uh hoh hoh, on the contrary. I think I've gone blind with very real power.

Grif's Sister: Seriously, what the fuck are girly laps!?

Simmons: Both of you, shut up. You're running. I'm calling Red Command for confirmation.

Grif's Sister: Why're you calling Red Command.

Simmons: For con-fir-mation. Stop asking questions.

Grif's Sister: You keep talking about them. Why don't you call our guys?

Grif: Our guys?

Grif's Sister: Yeah, the Blue guys.

Simmons: Excuse me, the whazzawha?

Grif's Sister: The Blue guys. The guys that sent me here. In the big ship.

Simmons: Grif?

Grif: Uhh, yeah, this might be a bad time to bring up the fact that my Sister is colour blind.

Simmons: WHAT?!

Grif's Sister: (whispering to her brother) I don't get it, what's the grey guy so upset about?

Simmons: But girls can't be colour blind!

Grif's Sister: Yeah? Well they say girls can't ejaculate either. But guess what!

Grif: Yeah! Wait what!?

Simmons: I can't believe it. With such a simple espionage plan the Blues have decimated our forces. Quick quick, get me a shovel! Uho, Sarge is gonna be pissed!

Grif: Hey, Simmons, if she's not here for Sarge, who the hell is she here to replace?

Cut to Donut in the underground

Donut: Ohh, ohh, uh- Uhhh, ohhh. Uhhhhh. What happened? Where am I? Oh, maybe they know. But it might be rude to wake them up. I'll just wait here a while. (random tune humming)

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