Baby Steps

Baby Steps is the third episode of the fifth season and the eightieth of The Blood Gulch Chronicles.

Synopsis
In the middle of Blood Gulch, Church finally locates Doc, along with Tucker's alien baby. He inquires what Vic's phone number is, so as to call for reinforcements. Church, attempting to contact Vic, instead reaches his unhelpful, elaborate voice mail system, further infuriating him.

Back at the ship, Grif becomes progressively more annoyed with the Morse Code, and Sarge grudgingly admits the failure of his plans. However, Sarge's rant about defeat is interrupted as someone, off-screen, exits the ship.

Transcript
Fade in to Church approaching Doc somewhere that's probably the Gulch

Church: Hey Doc, we've got problems man, I need to call Command.

Doc: ...

Church: Hello? Earth to Doc. I mean, this place, to Doc.

Doc: Don't you wanna say hello to our new friend?

Church: What?

Church looks down at a very small, teal alien

Baby Alien: Honk?

Church: I don't... I c- I can't, I can't I don't, this is-

Doc: Take your time. This is a big moment.

Baby Alien: Blarg.

Church: I can't deal with this right now.

Baby Alien: Hnnnk!

Church: Shut up, you're disgusting. Doc, what is Vic's number?

Doc: What for?

Church: For reinforcements. Wait, unless, you've had like, specialized combat training in the last ten minutes.

Doc: Uh, nope.

Church: Then yeah, reinforcements.

Doc: Well I did just change a dirty diaper-

Church: That doesn't count.

Doc: I don't know, it was a real doozey. Number two.

Church: Doc, focus! Vic's number, what is it?

Doc: Come on Church, everybody remembers Vic's number! Didn't he ever teach you the song?

Church: Oh right. Vic's jingle.

Doc: (singing) If you want to talk, don't email. And don't you click, clickclickclick, just call me up at five five five, V-I-C-K.

Church: You know it probably would have been more memorable if it rhymed. Or if his name actually ended in a K.

Doc: Oh, music is a great way to learn things. That's how I studied for the MCAT.

Church: You passed the MCAT?

Doc: Nha ha ha hah, not even close. But you should really hear my rendition of the Kelly Clarkson song "Miss Independence." It teaches you all about the lymphatic system. (singing) Doum, d-doum, lymphatic system-"

Church: Hey, shut up I'm on the phone.

Baby Alien: Honk!

Church: And do me a favour, kill that fucking thing, would you?

Familiar radio sounds

Vic: Hey dude.

Church: Vic! Hey, it's Church.

Vic: This is Vic, at 555-V-I-C-K, doo doodleydoo. I'm not in the cassita right now, so leave your low-down at the ding-dong. Hasta.

Church: Hey Vic, this is Church I need ta-

Vic's Voice Mail: You have reached the voice mail system.

Church: *sigh*, okay okay, come on.

Vic's Voice Mail: To leave a message, just wait for the tone.

Church: I know how to leave a goddamned message.

Vic's Voice Mail: When you are finished recording, just hang up. Or press pound for more options.

Church: Really, hang up, no shit. I was just gonna keep talkin' until he decided to check his voice mail.

Vic's Voice Mail: For delivery options, press five.

Church: Just give me the damn beep!

Vic's Voice Mail: To leave a callback number, press eight. To page this person, press six.

Church: Come on!

Vic's Voice Mail: To repeat this message, press nine.

Church: I will fucking stab you computer phone lady.

Cut to the tapping of Sarge's spaceship

Grif: That tapping is gonna drive me insane. We either need to get donut outta there, or find a way to kill him.

Simmons: Donut, can you please stop tapping. We heard you. You're crushed and you're in mortal danger, we get it.

Grif: I can feel the tapping in my brain!

Sarge: Well I have to admit it, I'm stumped! I have no idea how to get him out.

Grif: Jesus! How long would it take him to starve to death? When was the last time he ate? ...Sarge, didn't you once tell me you built self destruct mechanisms in to our armour? Can't you just use Donut's?

Sarge: No, sadly that's just you, Grif. Although I could activate yours if you'd like.

Grif: How would that help?

Sarge: Well the situation would be a little less annoying.

Simmons: You want me to get the activation code Sir?

Sarge: Nah. The activation code is just "activation code." Keep it simple.

Simmons: I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Grif: Uhoh my God, is it getting louder?

Grif: I bet the Blues don't have to put up with anything this annoying.

Cut back to Church on the phone

Vic's Voice Mail: To mark this message as urgent, press eleven.

Church: There is no eleven you fucking whore!

Doc: Ooh, language.

And back to Sarge et al

Sarge: Men, it pains me as your leader to say this, but I think we need to admit defeat. Years of experience on the battlefield and I've finally met my match. I never thought I'd be beaten by a ship. A ship full of enemies, maybe, but never just a ship itself! Bravo, ship. Brav, oh.

Simmons: Don't give up yet Sir, I'm sure we could find a way to-

Sarge: Ah, Simmons it's hopeless. Let's start assigning duties for our retreat.

The ship's door starts opening behind him

Simmons: Uhhh, Sir-

Sarge: Simmons you can pack up all the toiletries and remaining MREs. But make sure not to mix them up, or we'll never be able to tell 'em apart again.

Grif: Sir, you really should turn around.

Sarge: Sure, and give the ship a chance to rub it in. No dice.

Simmons: Sir the door's open, that means we won. Another victory for the glorious Red Army.

Sarge: What? I mean of course it is! Looks like my plan worked! Chalk up another one in the win column for Sarge! Hey who's that guy? Let's shoot him.